


Love is Blind

by Hawke



Series: Do You Mind? (A Soul-Mate Academy AU) [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Academy Era, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Gen, Its a really slow burn, Its gonna be an AU in general, LGBTQIA+, M/M, NaNoWriMo, Slow Burn, Soulmates, Starfleet Academy, Tarsus IV, We're boiling a swimming pool with a cigarette lighter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-01-24 15:04:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 39,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21340189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawke/pseuds/Hawke
Summary: Leonard has to face the consequences of his blind love and the betrayal of his soul-mate, while struggling with the fact is was partly his fault.Jim is haunted by the soul-mark he parents shared that caused his father to sacrifice himself and his mother to torment herself and her sons. He swears to never fall in love, to never have someone take that control from him.They both swear they will never fall in love, never grow a soul mark.A friendship? Well, they'll see how they go.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Series: Do You Mind? (A Soul-Mate Academy AU) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1570681
Comments: 91
Kudos: 160





	1. Blinded

**Author's Note:**

> I'm being naughty and writing two things for NaNoWriMo. This is the second of those things. The first one had been planned for the last six months, this one is being written as i go along. I either plan everything, or nothing - theres no middle ground.

Leonard McCoy had met Jocelyn Darnell for a second time while doing his surgical rotations at the Emory University Hospital in Atlanta. She was talking to one of his patients about filing charges against their attacker, and she was just as beautiful as she had been when they'd been in high school. 

They started out meeting to reminisce about old friends, but soon enough the awkward and shy doctor and the confident and loud lawyer hit it off. 

Leonard had always worn his heart on his sleeve, so it didn't surprise him that his soul mark grew quickly. On the day that Jocelyn announced her pregnancy, the mark coalesced into a blind figure on his right shoulder. 

As Leonard and Jocelyn got married and had the light of Leonard's life, Joanna, Leonard was convinced it represented the blind devotion that Joce showed to justice and to their little family. 

He and Jocelyn had their share of arguments, but they always came back together for Joanna's sake. 

When Joanna was seven, Leonard's father became sick, and he spent every available second researching a cure. His work, his family, his health, it all fell by the wayside as he absorbed every piece of information he could about pyrrhoneuritis. He spent countless hours researching the pathology of the disease, and contacting the colonists on Ether II about the source of the disease. In the end, the begging of David McCoy to end the pain became too much, and Leonard gave in to his father's wishes. 

He realised at that moment that he needed to care for those that he had left, and returned home ready to apologise to his wife and daughter for being absent for the previous months. Walking into Jocelyn being fucked on the couch by Clay Treadway while his baby girl slept upstairs was too much for Leonard. He stayed in a hotel, drinking himself to sleep and crying over the loss of his father and his family. 

The worst part, was the mark didn't leave. Somewhere deep in him, he still loved Jocelyn. He realised what the mark actually represented, his own blindness in love. When he got a call a week later, a colleague excitedly telling him a cure to pyrrhoneuritis had been found, Leonard felt himself shut off. 

Leonard returned home and saw that his belongings had already been packed and set down in the entrance hall of the house. 

He took the bags, and got on the first shuttle out of Atlanta. 

It was a few weeks later, standing outside a bar in Riverside, Iowa, that he met a man named Christopher Pike. They watched through the windows as a local tried to chat up every Starfleet cadet in the room, and Chris told him that with surgical and medical skills like his, the sky was the limit. 

The next morning he hopped on a shuttle with that local, now bruised and battered, and started his new life in Starfleet. The mark would not be forgotten, but he removed that heartache from his mind and swore to never love so blindly again.


	2. Haunted

One of the earliest memories James Kirk had of his mother was her clutching at a lightning bolt on her arm and sobbing uncontrollably. 

He was supposed to be in bed, but Sam had been snoring and so he had come downstairs to sleep on the couch. 

Winona sat on said couch, a PADD with pictures of her wedding to his dad sitting open in front of her next to an empty bottle of whiskey. He watched for a moment, and must have made some sort of noise, because she turned to look at him. 

"George?" She had whispered, drunkenly hopeful that her dead husband had returned. Jim watched the hope die in her eyes and be replaced with anger when she saw it was just him, the spitting image of his father. 

She threw the bottle at him, "GET OUT!"

He had run upstairs and hidden under Sam's bed, sobbing at her outburst. 

The next day, he and Sam were shipped off to Tarsus IV to live with his aunt and uncle, and their mother returned to her role at Starfleet. 

Jim tried not to blame his mother for what happened on that colony. She couldn't know that it was controlled by a sociopathic eugenicist or that the crops would fail. 

But as JT held his brothers lifeless body, hours before Starfleet arrived to rescue the four thousand people who had been chosen and the nine children who had escaped the culling, he couldn't help but feel that it was the fault of the soul mark his parents had shared that his mother look at her only children with such hatred.

George Kirk's namesake was buried on that barren wasteland, but his spitting image returned to Earth. 

Jim didn't remember much of that journey, only a kind man who learned quickly not to refer to him as "George's son". 

He'd spent eight years on Tarsus, six months of that running from Kodos and his goons, so at sixteen, he was old enough to take care of himself. It's not like his mother was there to look after him. 

Jim snuck into lecture theatres, libraries and shops alike - consuming knowledge and food, and sleeping wherever he could.

For the hell of it, he took Starfleet's entrance test under his brother's name. 

In a bar in Riverside, blood streaming from his nose and a shot of vodka in his hand, he realised he should have used a name less connected to him. 

Christopher Pike had been partially correct. Jim was bored in bumfuck Iowa, but he had no interest in following his father's footsteps. 

The next morning he hopped on a shuttle with a man who looked greener than most Orions, and took an instant liking to the cantankerous southern doctor. As they took off towards San Francisco, Jim swore he would not be handicapped by some stupid soul-mark as his parents had been, and he would make his own name in Starfleet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For future chapters, im aiming for around 2000 words, to try and get more of a narative flow. 
> 
> Also, they will mostly alternate perspectives. 
> 
> Also also, because my brain sucks on perspective writing, they will be in first person. 
> 
> Thank you everyone who comments and Kudos'.


	3. Co-habitation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Creators of Star Trek: We have decided on three radically different ways to record Star Date.  
Me: I recognise the Creators have made a decision, but given that it’s a stupid-ass decision, I’ve elected to ignore it
> 
> Stardates are gonna be in yyyy.mm.dd.hh:mm format. Largest to smallest. Makes my brain hurt less, lets me know what actual year it is.
> 
> This chapter: 2256.08.01

I was not surprised that Bones and I were the only ones left in Starfleet administration.

Everyone else had gone through quickly, probably because they hadn't decided last-minute to sell their soul to Starfleet. The two of us had gotten our fair share of glares from the uniformed cadets, and I made sure to wink flirtatiously at each and everyone one of them, especially Uhura and especially-especially Cupcake. Was it helping me to fit in with the rest of the Cadets? Nope! But at least they would be too focused on my carefree attitude to wonder why the son of the Legendary George Kirk and decorated Commander Winona Kirk was joining Starfleet so late.

That didn't mean I was ignoring the hungover doctor next to me, who was either oblivious to the looks we were getting, or didn't care. I can judge people well, and was leaning more towards the second one. A good doctor needed to be observant, and I had a feeling that Bones was a good doctor. The more I thought on it, the more I was certain I had heard the name 'Leonard McCoy' before.

Eventually, the two of us were called over to the administration desk.

"Gentlemen, sorry for the delay," her tone indicated that she did not care about the delay, "Captain Pike has expedited your entry to Starfleet Academy, so all that's left for you to do it your medical and fitness exams, collect your uniforms, and get your dorm rooms."

She turned to Leonard, "Apologies Doctor, usually you would get a single, but due to your late registration there's none left."

Bones harrumphed, "Great, just what I want. To room with some eighteen year old who'll be out partyin' every night and bringin' girls back to the dorm at all hours!"

Secretly, I had the same thought. On one hand, I would _definitely_ be out partying and drinking plenty of nights and brining girls, boys, and whoever else would have me back to the dorm. I had appearances to keep up, after all. On the other hand, I certainly didn't want to deal with someone else doing it.

The woman - Leirs, if her nametag was to be believed - responded in the same bored tone she had conducted the entire conversation in, "If you didn't want to be roomed with someone like that, you shouldn't have joined two days before the semester begins Doctor McCoy."

She turned to look at me, "Regardless, your roommate is not eighteen, Cadet Kirk is twenty-three."

I turned to Bones, excited, "We get to room together!"

Bones did not look happy. Given that I was pretty certain he had never looked happy in his life, it didn't faze me one bit. I swung my arm around the other man, "Look at this Bones! The fates have blessed us! You and I, joining Starfleet at the same time!"

Bones shrugged my arm off him, "That's just great", he muttered sarcastically.

Leirs gave us the details of our room, and we were directed to sit down again and wait for a doctor to collect us for our physicals.

As we turned to sit down, I heard Bones mutter, "dammit woman, I am a doctor" under his breath.

I laughed as we took our seats, "I don't think they let Doctors do their own physicals Bones."

He rolled his eyes at me, but I was saved from the sarcastic response he was sure to have fired back by a man in a Starfleet uniform walking into the room.

"Cadet Kirk?" He asked, eyes flickering between the two of us questioningly.

I nodded and stood up, "Cya later Bones!"

He grumbled something non-committal, and I followed the doctor into the building.

When I sat down in the examination room, the doctor started with, "I should inform you, Starfleet has a zero tolerance policy for Cadets fighting. I'll make sure none of your injuries impact your performance or cause lasting damage, and leave you with them to remind you of to think with your head, not your fists."

Despite the rocky start, the Doctor - Boyce, as he introduced himself - seemed to be of decent sort.

He ran me through a bunch of different physical activities, checking in the whole time to make sure I was doing okay. Heart stress tests, full body scans, the beep test, weights - it seemed like and unending list of physical tasks, but none of them were that hard. I had learnt my lesson six years ago, always be read to push yourself to the extreme. Eventually, it seemed he had run out of physical things I could do, and led me to a desk to sit down at. He walked away, before returning with a cup of juice and a plate of food.

"Oh thank you." I began to wolf it down, ignoring the voice in my head that cautioned to keep some for later.

As I ate and Boyce recorded some notes on my chart, I looked around the room. A pile of medical magazines were laid out on a table. Wow that's depressing, medical breakthroughs as the most fun entertainment to be found in a doctor's examination room.

Boyce looked up at my interest, "I like having physical copies. I know its wasteful, but I get all the ground breaking ones printed."

My eyes were drawn to one of them, half the title obscured. I reached out and slid it out from the others.

Breakthrough neurostabiliser technique set to save thousands - McCoy method rushed through clinical trials.

"That one will be a game changer, especially out in the black. It quadruples the odds of survival in critical brain injuries."

I nodded as Boyce spoke, "That's pretty cool." I wondered what the odds were of there being another Doctor McCoy who would publish in the Atlanta Journal of Medicine in the last year. Possible. That would explain how I'd heard the name, I'd sat in on a few neuromedical lectures in March. I took another bite of food. Can never eat too much.

"Yes. Anyway Cadet Kirk, you seem to be in good shape, now I just have some questions about your medical history." I nodded at Doctor Boyce, mouth too full to respond.

"Your medical files say you're allergic to sixty-seven different foods, is that true?"

I swallowed the last of the replicated sandwich before responding, "Sixty-eight actually. Orion passionfruit needs to be added."

Boyce nodded and made a mark on my file. "Do you carry an epinephrine hypo?"

I laughed at him, "Doctor, what are looking at is my worldly possessions. I don't have the money for a hypo."

Boyce shook his head at me, "You didn't have the money." He got up and grabbed a hypo from a drawer, and attached four small canisters to the side. "Here you go Cadet. You know how to use it? And when?"

I nodded, and pocketed the hypo.

"Starfleet looks out for its own."

I rolled my eyes at that, thinking about how much Starfleet had looked after my father and our family.  
Boyce seemed to sense the tension, and finished the rest of the medical exam quickly.  


  
Ten minutes later, I was free to grab my Cadet reds and head to my - Bones and my - dorm.

Thankfully, it wasn't too hard to find my way around campus, especially after I found a lovely Orion woman to direct me.

Pushing my way past the sea of red uniforms in the dorm hallways, i made my way to the third floor, and found Bones inside our new dorm.

"Hey Bones!" I called out as I came into the room.

"Jesus kid! Scared the shit out of me!" Bones leapt up from where he had been shoving his bag under one of the two beds in the room.

I looked around the room as Bones continued to grumble about "damn young kids".

In a word, it was small. In two words, it was really small. The room was wide enough to fit two desks under the window and long enough to fit a bed on each side of the room with space at the end to hand our uniforms.

Cosy was the positive way to refer to the room.

I jumped backwards onto the bed, wincing as there was less give in the mattress than I expected. Better than the couches in the Riverside library, at least the bed was long enough to fit me.

"Well this is fun, isn't it Bones?"

He glared over at me, "Better get your damn shoes off the bed before you mess up your sheets."

I rolled my eyes, but conceded the point. I swung around to unlace my shoes, and watched as Bones continued to unpack. He seemed to have a lot more stuff than I did, however much he had claimed "all I have left is my Bones".

After a few more minutes, he looked up from where he'd put a holo of a young girl on his desk and turned to me.

"Aren't you gonna unpack?"

I felt a moment of tension in my chest, was I going to admit to Bones that I had nothing with me, nothing to my name? He'd been nothing but sarcastic and cantankerous, but I had a feeling he would take pity on me.

Fuck that.

"What's the point? My roomie said he didn't like people bringing their conquests back to the dorm, so I figured I wont be spending much time here." I winked at Bones as I spoke, hoping to divert the conversation.

Bones turned on me, "You're damn right you wont be bringing anyone back here!" He waggled his finger threateningly at me, "Starfleet's takin' advantage of my MD, and is makin' me work at Starfleet Medical. I don't wanna come home from an evening of fixin' idiot cadets alcohol poisoning to find you've been screwing some woman in my bed!"

I put a hand to my chest, mock offended, "Bones! I would never use your bed! Not without inviting you as well."

"Dammit Kirk. No sex in the dorm."

I laughed back at him, happy to have distracted the older man.

I walked over to inspect the desks we had been given, and grabbed the PADD sitting on the desk to the right - my desk.

Leaning as far back in the chair as I could without tipping it, I half scrolled through the PADD and half watched Bones continue to unpack.

Oddly, it seemed as if Bones hadn't packed his own bags. He seemed surprised at some of the things he pulled out. Either that, or he had packed them a while ago. He pulled out a second holo, and sat down abruptly on the bed.

The surprise suddenly morphed into despair. The holo seemed to be of two men drinking, the old one with his arm slung around the younger. It was hard to see from this angle, but both men bared a similarity to Bones. Him and his father?

An alert on my PADD sounded, echoed by the one sitting on Bones' desk.

Bones shook himself, and dropped the holo back into the bag. "What's it say?"

I looked down at my PADD.  


>   
_2256.07.31.14:38_
> 
> _From: crpike@sf.ufp_
> 
> _To: @cadet.sa.ufp_
> 
> _Subject: Orientation_
> 
> _All incoming Cadets are to report to Archer Hall at 1500 for Orientation._
> 
> _Captain Christopher Pike,_
> 
> _Commandant of Cadets_

"Our illustrious recruiter requests everyone's presence at Archer Hall in," I checked the time, "twenty minutes. Jeez he hasn't given us much time to get over there."

Bones rolled his eyes. "Great. Guess we should probably get all suited up into these ridiculous uniforms."

"I guess."

Through mutual - [two guys getting changed in a room, five feet apart 'cause we're not gay](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwAajOtfNT8) \- we each got changed.

And because of who I am as a person, I peeked a look over my shoulder, curious about the other man. I caught a glimpse of a soul-mark on his shoulder, a blindfold over a figure, and then Bones pulled his shirt over his head an covered it.

I felt a bit bad at my impulsive look, it was a tad invasive, I quickly finished getting changed myself.

We sat across from each other on our beds as we laced up our boots.

Bones paused for a moment, and looked up at me.

"What do you reckon'll happen at the orientation?"

"You're the doctor, you've been to a lot more of this kind of thing than I have." I carefully left out the part where I'd tagged along to enough university classes to get at least three different degrees. It was true enough, I hadn't gone to the pre-semester events.

Well, I had gone to the pre-semester events that had been catered. But that was neither here nor there.

"It's been a few years kid - "

"Ah sorry old man, shouldn't forget you're so old."

Bones scowled at that. "Fine. Its been _eight_ years since I've done anythin' like this, and I doubt its gonna be very similar to the orientation at medical school. For one, there was no damn uniform at Ole Miss, just lab gear and scrubs, for another, I didn't have to share a room with a kid."

I put a hand to my chest mockingly, "You wound me Bones!"

"That's not my name kid, its Doctor McCoy." Bones waved his finger at me threateningly again.

"Of course Doctor Bones." I stood up quickly and opened the door, sensing I was skirting the edge of Bones' patience. "Shall we head out?"

He grumbled, but stood and followed me towards Archer Hall.

I didn't have to worry about it being difficult to find our way there, I could see Uhura chatting to the Orion woman who had directed me earlier, amongst a few other cadets walking in the same direction.

And she was walking next to Cupcake. What a lovely surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keeping in mind that this is for nanowrimo, this chapter (and whole work) has only gone through the most basic of re-reading and checking. Mistakes will be there, and thats just life. 
> 
> I have also officially written more words on this fic (16k) than on my original nanowrimo fic (12k). So. Woo?
> 
> I'll be publishing chapters every 3 or so days, just to give me a buffer to try and re-read some of the work, and to be able to change things before theyre published here. 
> 
> Also, for subsequent chapters, I'm aiming for 3k words, which I've loosly managed with what I've written so far.
> 
> All comments and kudos are appreciated.


	4. Orientation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.08.01
> 
> Hi. I have never been to San Fransisco or America, and I unfortunatly haven't been to 23rd Century San Fransisco. So take it all with a grain of salt. I had to resist very much calling the 'party district', 'the Valley', because thats what it's called in my city.
> 
> Also, oh boy, this is turning into more of a slow burn academy fic. Which, i'm happy with. I swear there will be soul-mate stuff and all the things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW at end of chapter

That damn kid was a piece of work. 

I could already feel the tinges of regret around my decision to join Starfleet. It had been a spur of the moment decision, and now I was stuck in a homogenised sea of red, surrounded by kids ten years my junior. 

I saw Kirk's eyes light up suddenly, and followed his gaze to three Cadets from the shuttle. One was the nice looking Orion woman, who seemed to have made the short Cadet dress more skimpy than it already was, the darker skinned woman who had spent most of the shuttle ride simultaneously ignoring Kirk and death glaring him, and a hulking man who's knuckles and face seemed to be mirror reflections of Kirk's banged up face and knuckles. 

Oh great. 

Kirk started to increase his speed towards them, and I grabbed him by the shoulder. 

"Hold up kid."

He turned towards me, twisting his way out of the grip easily. "What? I just wanted to say hello to our friends from the shuttle."

I planted my feet and stared Kirk down. Damn this kid was a piece of work. "I think you made enough hellos with that group, leave them alone." 

Kirk glared back at me, but nodded and matched my pace. 

He kept an eye on the group, but it seemed he was looking for something. Or someone. 

We entered Archer Hall after a few minutes of walking, and a sign directed us into one of the lecture halls. The seats we ended up with weren't too bad, next to the doors at the top of the theatre towards the right. Then Jim sat in the end seat, turning his legs to allow people to file in after him. 

"It'd be easier to just sit in the middle." 

"We'll get bottlenecked if we need to escape."

I stared at Kirk at his answer, and watched him flush red with embarrassment. The answer had come automatically, and I had an inkling that there was more to Kirk than met the eye. 

"You know, if it gets boring."

I nodded at the weak attempt to cover his previous comment, and sat in the seat next to him, tucking my legs in too. 

As everyone finished settling in, I thought through Kirk's words. He was right, if anything happened, he'd be able to bolt to the stairs in two strides. 

And thinking on it, sitting at the back also meant that there was no one sitting behind us. 

Curious. 

I made a mental note to keep an eye on Kirk. Despite all the bravado and the stupid nickname, he seemed like a good kid. And if he was suffering from some kind of paranoia or PTSD, I'd have to know his triggers to avoid them. 

My thoughts were interrupted by Captain Pike taking the lectern.

> "Welcome Cadets. You come from planets in the far reaches of the Federation, from home lives and educations as diverse as those planets. You have skills in engineering, astrophysics, medicine, xenoanthropology, communication and plenty more. But above all, you have the two skills any Starfleet officer needs: Leadership and Adaptability. That is the distinction between all of you and the enlisted across the bay. Starfleet only accepts the best, and you are all the best and brightest of the Federation of Planets."

Captain Pike paused for a moment, looking over all of us. 

> "I and every one of your teachers expect you to live up to those expectations. You may be Cadets, but I expect you to act in ways befitting the officers you will be. If you leave campus, remember that you represent the entirety of Starfleet with every step you take. I expect you all to work hard in all of your classes, and keep regular contact with your academic advisors.
> 
> Starfleet Academy was founded to ensure that you would all have the training to survive out in the black. Absorb as much of it as you can. I cant count the number of times that academy training saved my life or the life of one of my crew. You will never know when the most inconsequential detail will become helpful, so pay attention to all of it."

I saw Kirk nod at that, and I felt myself agreeing. Preparation never hurt anyone. 

> "Having said all of that, let yourself have a bit of fun. Look around at the Cadets by your side. These are the people you will rely on aboard a starship. Socialise, get to know them. You need to be able to trust them with your life. You will receive your timetables tomorrow evening, and those of you who haven't spoken to your academic advisors will have meetings with them. Good luck."

With that, Pike stepped down from the lectern. 

Everyone began to get up and move around, and I wasn't surprised to see Kirk duck out of the side door. 

I rushed after him, and caught him downstairs near the main exit. He was scanning the crowd, and I realised my earlier assumption was correct. He was looking for someone in particular. 

"Who've you lost kid?"

Kirk rounded on me, and huffed. "No one."

I had a passing thought that this could be related to the paranoia I had seen earlier. My gut told me I was wrong, but I got the sense it would be better to distract Kirk. 

"We've only got two more days until semester starts, and we're two of the only over-age students. I was wonderin' if you wanted to join me for a drink," I saw the hesitation in Kirk's eyes as they flicked back over the exiting students, and decided to tip the scales in my favour, "I'm buyin'."

Magic words if I'd ever said them. Kirk's eyes flicked back to me and lit up. 

"Then what are we waiting for?"

The trip into San Francisco's party district only took five minutes on the bus, and we began to wander around in hopes of finding a good bar. 

Given the time, and our differing standards for 'good' it took us a solid hour to find one.  
Finally, we came across a bar that opened early, wasn't too loud, wasn't too quiet, sold greasy food and cheap swill, and good southern bourbon.  
Compromise. Easy. 

True to my word, I bought the first round. I had expected Kirk to make the most of it and order something ridiculously expensive, but he just said he'd have whatever I was, and moved to find a table in the corner. I thought about how long it had been since the early lunch between the shuttle and the administration processing, and I grabbed a plate of fries to go with the drinks. 

When I joined Kirk at the table, it didn't surprise me that it was located at the back of the bar, next to the fire exit. 

I sat down across from him, sliding the bourbon over, and we sat quietly and drank. 

After a few minutes, the fries were brought out. 

Kirk grinned at me. "Aw thanks Bones, you shouldn't have!"�  
I grunted. Damn kid was nothing but skin and bones anyway, no reason to deny him food, especially with the way he bounced around so full of energy. Although the greasy meals they served here couldn't be that good for him.

We drank and ate together in companionable silence, the events of the day settling on my mind and making me unwilling to talk. 

Kirk seemed to pick up on it, and didn't start any conversation. 

I ordered us another three rounds as we sat there. Kirk people watching (I could see his eyes flickering over people behind me), and me contemplating the decision I had made yesterday. 

Suddenly, Kirk moved - standing up and making his way to the bar in a blur. 

I stood and whirled around, the three and a half glasses sitting heavily within me. 

The bar was suddenly silent, and I saw why. 

The bartender had stepped as far back from the bar as he could, hands up. 

A man was standing at the bar, a phaser in his hand. 

And Kirk had darted up behind him, and as I watched, he flicked the safety onto the phaser, twisted it out of the other man's hand, pulled his arm down and behind his back, and pushed the man onto the bar. The would-be thief had his hand painfully secured by Kirk behind his back, up near his neck, and Kirk had the phaser in his other hand. 

The bartender stammered out a thank you to Kirk and then grabbed a communicator, calling for the police. 

I moved over to Kirk, "Jesus kid, you could have gotten yourself killed!"

He turned back to me, "If I hadn't stepped in, its likely the bartender would have gotten killed. This phaser was set to kill."

He continued to lean on the would-be-_killer_, "If I'd have stood by, knowing what could have happened, knowing I could help... I'd be just as responsible."

My god. He had a damn martyr complex. He was gonna get himself killed out there. And probably save a lot of people in the process. 

"Dammit Kirk."

It didn't take long for the police to show up. They took all our statements - the bartender couldn't stop praising Kirk - and left us to it. 

A glass of bourbon appeared in front of each of us, "Thank you so much Cadets. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't been here."

Jim nodded and took a sip of his drink. "Is this something that happens often?"

He shook his head, "No. This is the first time in years. But I thank you. I'm Jackson, the owner here. If there is anything I can do for you, please ask."

We ended up staying at the bar for a while, Kirk at the end of the bar, back to the wall as I sat next to him and enjoyed the sudden near-limitless supply of free bourbon and fries. 

Around one, I decided it was probably time to head back to the Academy. 

"C'mon kid."

"Alright."

Kirk stood up, said goodbye to the bartender, and joined me. 

Damn. Either he could hold his liquor well, or he'd not drunk much. 

We stumbled our way to the closest bus station, and I leaned on the smooth cool class of the shelter as we waited for the next one. 

I turned to look at Kirk, and I felt my filter slip. 

"Who'r've you been lookin' f'r?"

"What? Bones, I don't speak drunken southerner."

"You keep lookin' f'r someone at the 'cademy. Who's'it?"

Kirk sighed. "One of the idiot who beat me up."

"Cupcake?"

He shook his head. 

The bus came, and we boarded. 

"Do you get bus sick too?"

I rolled my eyes, then immediately regretted it as the world spun. 

"No. And don' change the subject. Who're'ya lookin' f'r?"

Jim didn't speak for a minute, and I wasn't sure he was going to. Finally, he responded. 

"In the bar, in Riverside. I heard Cupcake talking to Sunshine. They were betting on who could bed Uhura first."

I rolled my eyes exasperatingly, "And that's not what you want'd to do?"

"Well, _yeah_, but not like they were. Sunshine went up to the bar to order more drinks, and he ordered one for Uhura." 

Kirk paused for a moment, and I began to feel a sense of unease fill me, beyond the sloshing of the alcohol. 

"He uh, tipped something into the drink. While the bartender was scanning his card and Uhura was looking away."

"And so you stepped in, all white knight."

"Not quite. Believe it or not, I didn't want to start a fight. So instead of telling her about the drink, I chatted her up, and then 'accidently' knocked it over."

"You're an idiot."

We reached the edge of the Academy, and I stumbled off the bus. I could feel Kirk's hand at my side, making sure I made it down the steps. 

As we began the walk back to the dorm, Kirk continued unprompted. 

"Yeah I know. And then I tried to tell her I'd buy her another one, and Sunshine and Cupcake came up to yell at me. Talking about how I'd 'disrespected a member of Starfleet'. Uhura wasn't happy with any of us. I'd spilt her drink, and she told Cupcake and Sunshine that she could fight her own battles thank you very much."

Kirk sighed dramatically for a moment, "She's such a strong willed woman."

"So I guess that's when your head was introduced to Cupcake's fist?"

"Yeah something like that. To be fair, I got mobbed by the two of them, and half a dozen more joined in. Its hard to tell where one meaty bonehead fist ends and the other begins."

"At least you saved Uhura from a bad night with an idiot Iowan. I've seen too many people who weren't as lucky." I thought about the haunted looks in their eyes, the fear, the loss of agency. "You should report him, stop anything like this happen again. Even if you don't remember his face, the bar will have cameras. Cupcake too. He must've known what the other guy was gonna do." 

Kirk looked at me oddly, "He wasn't from Riverside Bones, he's a Cadet. And I'm not sure Cupcake knew what Sunshine was doing."

"What the fuck. You definitely need to report this."

Kirk shook his head, "I don't have any proof Bones -"

"Doesn't matter," I interrupted, "you may not have proof, but it will damn well make sure people watch him more carefully. Maybe they'll do a psych assessss-asses- dammit, a psych check and find whatever they missed the first time."

Kirk nodded. "You're right. If I didn't say anything, and he hurt someone... I'd be my fault." He patted at my shoulder, and I felt a twinge at my soul mark as he touched it through my shirt, "Thanks Bones."

"Sure kid. Although I hope you have more information to identify him than 'Sunshine'."

"I do, I remember his face," He looked away for a moment, "I never forget a face."

Oh boy. There was a story behind that. 

"Well there you go. Tell Starfleet who it is, problem solved. Words over fists."

"I just feel like my words aren't enough... Wait... words over fists... Bones! You're a genius!" Kirk grinned and clapped me on the back. 

I tried to ask him what idea I had prompted in his head, but he refused, saying something about 'plausible deniability'.

How the hell was I supposed to last another year sharing a dorm with this idiot?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Discussion of attempted drugging for purposes of date-rape.


	5. Goad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.08.02

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW at end of chapter

I awoke to a PADD going off. 

Looking up blearily, I saw Bones' desk lighting up with a ringing sound. Thank goodness, not my problem. I let my head fall back onto the pillow and closed my eyes.

"Goddamn it. Someone's called in sick to Starfleet Medical and they want me down there." The grouchy (and given how much he'd drunk last night, _hungover_) doctor grumbled as he started to get dressed. 

"That sucks." I responded into my pillow. 

"Don't get too tucked in." I felt something hard hit me in the stomach.

"OW!"

"You've got a meeting in half an hour," Bones said, "Have fun."

As Bones left, I grabbed the PADD he'd thrown at me. Sure enough, there was a message on it.

> __  
2256.07.31.19:21  
From: crpike@sf.ufp  
To: jtkirk@cadet.sa.ufp  
Subject: Academic Advisor Meeting
> 
> _Cadet Kirk, _
> 
> _I will be your Academic Advisor for your time at Starfleet Academy. Report to my office in Cochrane Hall at 0900 tomorrow. _
> 
> _Captain Christopher Pike,  
Commandant of Cadets  
_

Dammit. Pike had sent it last night, not long before I'd finished talking to the cops about that idiot with a phaser.

And there had been no way I was going to check my messages when we'd stumbled in last night. 

Ugh. 

I got dressed, grabbed the PADD and left for Cochrane Hall. 

Finding it was pretty easy. It was the largest building and seemed to have all of the rooms for the Starfleet Academy Officers. 

I opened the door marked 'Cpt. C R Pike’ and was greeted by a lovely brown-haired woman in a small reception area.

"Cadet Kirk?" She questioned.

"Yes ma'am," don't let anyone say I can’t be polite, "I'm here to see Captain Pike."

"Of course. I'll let him know." She went through a door beside her desk, and after a few moments of quiet conversation, returned, "You can go in."

I walked past her into a small sparsely decorated office. 

"Cadet Kirk," Pike stood up from his desk, and reached out a hand to shake mine, "Please, take a seat."

I sat opposite him and waited wearily. 

"So, three years is your aim? It'll be hard."

I rolled by eyes at that, "Life is hard Pike. I can do it."

"I understand son, I just don't want you to burn out before you even get up into the black."

"Trust me, I can do this." 

Pike stared me in the eye for a few moments, seeming to test the conviction of my words. Finally, he nodded. 

"Alright. Going off the tests that you took in your brother's name, and the reports we have from the University of Iowa about a kid matching your description who kept sneaking into classes, there's quite a few subjects that you won’t have to take. Basic astrophysics, basic fractal calculus, statistical mechanics, computational theory, to name a few. Having said that, you need to be aware: if you don't meet expectations in the post-requisites for these classes, you'll have to take the basic classes. And that won’t push you back to four years, it'll push you to five."

Whoa boy. No pressure. I paused for a moment, thinking. Could I do this? Maybe, maybe not. But there was no way I was backing down and showing weakness to Pike.

"I got this Pike." I grinned cockily. 

"Alright Kirk." He clicked a few things on the console, "How are you settling in so far?"

I felt taken aback by the question. Why did he care? "Uh. Good, I guess? It’s been one day."

"I'm aware. But are you happy with your roommate? Not having any troubles?"

I shook my head. "I'm fine, sir. Is there anything else?"

Pike shook his head, seemingly disappointed, "No, that's all Cadet. Dismissed."

I walked out of the room and into the hallway. Did Pike actually care? There was no reason he should, but he had seemed genuine. Something to consider for later, I had more pressing matters to deal with. 

It was time to find Sunshine. 

I didn't know his name, but I had heard Uhura use Cupcakes name - Hendorff. How many Hendorff's could there be in Starfleet?

I walked through Cochrane Hall, knocking on doors and asking for directions as an excuse to be knocking, until there was a room that had no-one in it. 

I tiptoed in and sat behind the desk. It took me a solid twenty minutes to hack into the computer, and then another fifteen to get into the Cadet records. Finally, though, I had Cupcake's room number. 

It would have been easier to find Sunshine directly, but I didn't have the time to work through the names of the Cadets by process of elimination and there were no photos on our profiles yet. 

Making sure my little hacking adventure was as removed as I could make it - it’s amazing the kinds of things you picked up from hanging with IT majors - I slipped out of the room and towards the dorms. 

"Heeeeey Cupcake!" I sing-songed as he opened the door.

He glared back at me, "You! I can’t believe they let you into Starfleet after what you did!"

I laughed, "You and Sunshine were the ones who started beating up a civilian."

Cupcake shook his head, "Not that. Max told me what you were trying to do to Uhura's drink."

My laugh disappeared. What? 

"What?"

"He saw you pour something in, he told me later. I can’t believe they let you in after that, he reported it. I guess they haven't gotten around to kicking you out yet."

That bastard. "That wasn't me. You and Sunshine were the ones taking bets on who would sleep with her first!"

"Not sleeping with her, starting a relationship with her. She is a clever woman, we were talking about who would be able to go out with her first."

"Oh, and I guess the 'betcha I can bend her over first' was just me misunderstanding."

Cupcake went red at that. "Look, we may have been a bit drunk by that point and got carried away. But we weren't the one spiking her drink!"

I looked at him for a solid moment, and I believed that he was innocent of what Sunshine had done. He honestly seemed convinced that I'd spiked it and convinced that what he and Maxwell had spoken about was all innocent. 

"Please trust me Hendorff, I did not spike her drink. Think back to that night, I knocked her drink over because I saw Sunshine put something in there."

I could see the gears working behind Cupcake's eyes as he tried to remember the night through the fog of alcohol and adrenaline. 

"Where's Sunshine. We can all have a chat about this."

"He should be back soon. He just went out to take a leak."

Speak of the devil, and he shall appear. Sunshine walked out of the toilets down the hall and did a double take at seeing me. 

"Here for a second round, idiot?"

Cupcake turned to Sunshine, "Can you believe that he says _you_ spiked Uhura's drink?"

I saw the flash of fear on Sunshine's face, the flash of worry that he would be found out, but it disappeared in a moment.

"That's crazy. You know it was this idiot who spiked her drink. That's why we had to beat him up," Sunshine cracked his knuckles, "and I don't think he learned his lesson, do you?"

I turned to look at Cupcake. He seemed indecisive, "I think we need to talk to Captain Pike. There will be security footage at the bar, and we can work out what really happened."

"You really think I did it? You're gonna take this hick's word over mine?"

I smirked, "What, worried about what the footage will show? Not good looking enough to get into a woman's pants normally, you need to drug her fi - "

I saw the fist coming, but I knew that my case would go better if I didn't fight back. Boyce's words echoed in my head. The Academy couldn't get me in trouble for fighting if I didn't fight back.

That didn't mean I had to take everything he dished out. At the last moment, I twisted away so that the impact would glance across my cheek instead of crushing my nose. 

The follow up punch connected with my stomach, and I felt the air rush out of my body as I doubled over. 

"Maxwell! Leave him alone! Let’s go talk to Pike!" Cupcake was trying to calm Sunshine down, but he was apparently still indecisive between his friend and me and didn't try to physically stop the fight. 

I heard someone further down the hall saying, " - assaulted another Cadet in the dorms. Level 4 - ", hopefully into a comm.

At least help was coming.

"Why won’t you fight back? Didn't they teach you to fight in Iowa?"

I took the next hit in my ribs (it was either that or the sternum, and I knew from experience which one I'd rather break). Sure enough, I felt the crack as one of them fractured under the impact.

"Its ... Not nice ... To attack people ..." I gasped out.

Sunshine laughed unkindly, "I forgot, your father wasn't there to teach you."

I felt a rage bubble up in my chest. That bastard. 

Fuck deniability. 

I prepared myself to fight back, but Cupcake grabbed Sunshine and pulled him back. "Leave it Maxwell."

Sunshine nodded, and I loosed a sigh of relief. All in all, I had come out of this fight pretty good. 

I should know better. 

As soon as Cupcake released him, Sunshine took a step forward and placed a kick in the side of my knee, forcing it to bend sideways with a sickeningly audible **crack**.

No amount of hand-to-hand training I'd done or actual fights I had been in could keep me on my feet with that, and I fell to the ground. 

Back in fighting mode, I rolled down the hall, trying to get as far away from him as I could. I must have looked like an idiot, but I avoided the stomp that would have otherwise landed on my head, so I took it as a win. 

I readied myself for another hit, but Cupcake had grabbed Sunshine in a headlock, and was holding him securely. "Stop it Maxwell. Just stop. Please." His voice cracked brokenly, and I realised how hard this must have been for him. No one wanted to hear that a friend was a crazy attempted rapist. Honestly though, I was just happy I was no longer being beaten up. 

A few minutes later, two Security officers came rushing up the stairs. After a few moments of awkwardness where we had to explain Hendorff was not the problem, security escorted all of us outside. 

One of the two looked at my leg and then at me, "Do you need medical?"

I shook my head. No weakness. "It can wait."

Cupcake frowned at me, "But - "

I glared at him. "I'm fine."

The officer nodded and escorted us to Academy Security and into different interview rooms. 

After a few minutes of waiting, just long enough to regret refusing medical service, the door opened. 

A security officer, one that looked a lot more senior than the ones who had brought us in, and Captain Pike entered. 

I tried to stand to salute, but ended up just clattering back into the chair. 

"Uh. Sirs." I said, trying to cover my embarrassment. 

"I'm Commander Meyer, and you know Captain Pike. Do you need to go to medical?" 

I shook my head, "I can wait. I'd rather get this over and done with."

He nodded and they sat down. 

Meyer pressed a button in the centre of the table. 

"Interview with Cadet Kirk as related to incident six-one-three-four-two. Conducting interview is Commander Alexander C Meyer, Chief Security Officer for Starfleet Academy." Meyer started the recording with the bored manner of someone who had done this a thousand times, "Also present is," He looked to Pike.

"Captain Christopher R Pike, Commandant of Cadets." 

Meyer turned back to me. "Please state your name for the record."

"Cadet Fourth Class James T Kirk."

Meyer nodded at me. "Alright Cadet, tell us what happened."

I nodded. "On Thursday, I witnessed Cadet Maxwell spike another Cadet's drink. I knocked the drink over to prevent anyone from drinking it, and Cadet Maxwell and - " in a split second, I decided to leave Cupcake out. Or at least, not mention him by name, "a few other Cadets attacked me for it."

Pike leaned forward on the table, "Why didn't you tell me this in Riverside Cadet Kirk?"

I shifted uncomfortably, "You had no reason to trust my word sir."

"Security cameras?"

"To be honest sir, I was very drunk. And I believe I had a concussion."

Meyer nodded, "Continue please Cadet Kirk. How did this lead to the incident today?"

"I am aware I should have spoken to someone in command," I continued, sticking with the dry and analytical structure of my report, "but I was walking through the dorms when I saw Cadet Maxwell leave his room. I knocked on it after he left, and spoke to his roommate. He had also been at Riverside, and I decided spur of the moment to try and get his help to confront Cadet Maxwell."

"This is Cadet Hendorff?" Meyer asked.

"Yes sir."

"Continue."

"When he returned, I confronted him about the drink spiking. Cadet Hendorff suggested we come and speak to you Captain, and watch any security footage. Cadet Maxwell disagreed and punched me in the face."

"And you did nothing to incite this punch?" Pike asked.

"I may have implied that he could not get with a woman without drugging her."

Pike shook his head, hiding a smile, "That's no excuse for assault, but you sure know how to push your luck Cadet."

"He continued to attack me. Cadet Hendorff tried to verbally stop him, and he then physically stepped in. A minute later, Security arrived." I finished, and watched as both men looked at each other. 

"Your story seems to line up with Cadet Hendorff's," Meyer said, "Technically speaking, you have done nothing wrong." 

Meyer sighed, "Interview with Cadet Kirk as related to incident six-one-three-four-two is concluded." He pressed a button, and the light turned off. 

"I am not an idiot Kirk. You didn't fight back because you knew you'd get in trouble."

I smiled as innocently as possible, "I don't know what you're talking about sir."

He shook his head ruefully, "He's all yours Chris. Don't take too long, we still need to do the final interview."

He left Pike and I alone in the room. 

Pike sighed at me. "Why do I get the feeling this won’t be the last time I am called to sit in on an incident involving you?"

"Because you're a clever man Captain." 

"Two things Kirk. I commend you on your clever working around of the rules to keep yourself out of trouble but remember that Starfleet is here to help you. Next time come talk to us. Secondly, I'm adjusting your timetable. You look like shit, you need to learn to fight."

I scoffed. "I know how to fight."

He shook his head, "You've been beaten up twice in three days Kirk. If your instructor believes your skills are up to par, they will progress you from basic hand to hand. Until then, you'll do the basics."

Fun. 

"I'd like to see you at 0900 next Saturday Cadet. We will discuss how you've settled in, and any issues with your classes." Pike glanced over my injuries, "You'd better get to medical. Can you walk?"

I nodded and used the table to heave myself out of the chair. I probably shouldn't have been walking on the knee, given the grinding sensation and intense pain every time I took a step, but I'd had worse. 

"I'll be seeing you Cadet."

He held the door as we left the room and joined Commander Meyer to interview Sunshine. 

Bruised, battered, and broken, I limped towards Starfleet Medical. 

But with any luck, Sunshine would be gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: Discussion of attempted drugging for purposes of date-rape.


	6. Wicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.08.02
> 
> I spent two years doing a biomedical science degree, but that doesn't mean I know how medicine works. Sure, I can recite all of the muscles in the arm, and where they attach to the bones, but that doesnt mean i know medicine. And 23rd Century medicine wasnt one of the electives i took unfortunatly.
> 
> So, I guess: Warning, dont try 23rd Century medicine at home?
> 
> (also sorry i meant to post this days ago, but i was camping in the middle of nowhere)

When I arrived at Starfleet Medical, Doctor Boyce was there to meet me. 

"Sorry Doctor McCoy. I had expected to give you more time to settle in as a Cadet before we gave you shifts at Medical, but Doctor Maer called in sick."

"That's just great. At least they're not here getting people sick."

Boyce nodded at that, "That's the last thing we want." 

He handed me a PADD and showed me a few charts. The patient system wasn't too different from what I'd used at Emory, so it wouldn't be too hard to navigate.

"We've got a few dozen admitted. The three to keep an eye on are Cadet Phenol, a denobulen who was caught in a small explosion and is going through dermalregen therapy; Cadet Gallan, a human who fell out of a shuttle at fifty feet and is on his second round of osteoregen, he may end up needing surgery; and Cadet Marcer, a human who is recovering from an emergency appendectomy, we decided to keep him for a day to monitor for infection."

I nodded, reading through the charts, "I've never treated a denobulen, or an Andorian, is there anything I should know?"

Boyce clicked a few buttons on the PADD, "This shows you a summary of the differences between them and humans. I would not rely on it, but it's helpful in a pinch. I will be available via comm if you need anything urgent, and Nurse Chapel will be here to assist." 

He led me into a small staff room and introduced me to a short woman with a stern look on her face, "Christine, this is Doctor Leonard McCoy. McCoy, this is Nurse Christine Chapel."

I saw her eyes widen at my name. Great. We exchanged handshakes, "Pleasure to meet you Nurse Chapel."

"You as well Doctor McCoy."

"Excellent. Doctor M'benga is also here, but he's having a nap after the appendectomy. Christine, if you could run through everything with McCoy? I really need to get going."

"Of course, Doctor." 

Boyce left, and Chapel led me to the replicator in the staff room. "You'll need medical scrubs. You may be a Cadet and a Doctor, but in this building only one of those matters." 

I quickly got changed, and we began to walk through the ward. 

"So," she asked after we finished our rounds, "how does Starfleet Medical compare to Atlanta?"

I grimaced, so she did know who I was, "It's a lot brighter. This whole building is blinding. How do you keep it clean with the amount of stupid young kids gettin' themselves hurt?”

She laughed at that, "Wait until classes start up. We'll be up to our ears in burns and hand to hand injuries. And after Christmas when they start ramping up the first- and second-class simulations? You'll look back on your time in Atlanta fondly."

I snorted at that. I don't think I would ever look back on Atlanta fondly. Not with the ghost of my father and my happy family haunting me. "Sure."

We were heading back to the front of Medical when a call came over the speakers.

"Doctor McCoy to reception, code yellow."

I looked to Chapel to guide me, and she quickly led us through the halls. "Code yellow is severe, but not life-threatening."

"Thanks." I nodded, following her as quick as I could. 

We arrived, and the receptionist pointed into one of the examination rooms.

"A Cadet was beaten up. Says he's fine, but he looked pretty injured."

I nodded and stepped into the room with Chapel. 

The Cadet was sitting on the biobed, ignoring the way it beeped at him to lie down on it. 

I gloved up, "Lie on the bed Cadet." 

After a moment, the beeping stopped, "Yes Doctor." a familiar sarcastic voice replied from behind me.

I whirled around to see Jim Kirk grinning at me from under a layer of blood.

"Dammit Kirk! What did you do?"

"Well, I found Sunshine, and we had a disagreement."

"Do you want to get kicked out of Starfleet for fighting before the semester even begins?"

Kirk's grin dropped, "Of course not. That’s why I didn't fight," he showed me his knuckles, starting to heal over from Thursday. None of them had re-opened, he hadn't fought back, "But he'll certainly get in trouble. Between that and - " he glanced at Chapel, "The other thing, I bet he'll get kicked out."

I was rooming with an idiot.

"I've got this infant, Chapel."

She laughed, "Of course Doctor, I’ll leave you to it."

After she left, Jim continued "it was the easiest way to make sure Starfleet looked into the incident."

A noble, self-sacrificing idiot. Dammit. I ignored the ache in my chest.

"Good job kid," I conceded, then started looking at the biobed readings, "Are you allergic to anything?"

"A few things. They're in my file."

I nodded, and spent a moment pulling up Kirk's medical file. 

"A few? Sixty-eight known allergens is not 'a few'!"

He grinned at me, "Maybe a few more than a few."

As I read the biobed, I was surprised Jim could even carry on a conversation. He should be in enough pain to leave him a screaming mess.

"Are you in pain Jim?"

He nodded, "Oh definitely. But its fine."

"Jim, you've ripped your anterior cruciate ligament in two, you've torn your iliotibial band, and your lateral patellar retinaculum is hanging on by the grace of god. It’s not fine."

Fucking idiot. 

I rummaged around in the room, looking for analgesics. Thankfully, whatever Doctor he had seen when he was sixteen had been kind enough to record drugs that he had taken and not had a reaction to, and hydromorphelone had been the most effective painkiller of those. Although curiously, there was no trace of who that Doctor was, it was just blank. 

A later problem.

I found the hypo and poked it into Jim's shoulder a tad harder than necessary.

"Ow!"

"Well maybe that'll teach you to get in fights!"

"You have a terrible bedside manner Bones."

I rolled my eyes and cleaned up Jim's face while I waited for the analgesic to kick in and I could fix his knee. Head injuries always bled more than they should, and there was only a small cut and a developing bruise on his cheek. I attached the dermal regenerator and moved to Jim's side.

"You've got a cracked rib Jim. I need to put on the osteoregen, so it doesn't cause you trouble."

Jim nodded and lifted up his shirt. 

Ouch. Ribs always bruised like a bitch, and this was no different. He winced as I attached the unit, and I didn't blame him. 

"How are you feeling now? A bit less pain?"

Jim nodded, "Yeah it hurts a lot less."

I nodded, "Alright, your knee is going to be the worst. I need to put your patella back into place so the ACL can be reattached, so this will hurt."

I palpated his knee, keeping an eye on the biobed sensors.

"I'll push it on the - “ I cut myself off and moved the kneecap back into place. 

Jim screamed in pain, sharp and quick, but he didn't tense up, "What happened to three?!?! Or one and two???"

I checked the sensors, happy to see the kneecap was in the perfect position. "Given your propensity for getting yourself in trouble, I figured you'd be prepared for the whole 'count to three, go on one' thing."

He glared at me, and I attached a full regen unit to the knee, programming it to fix the torn and detached tendons and muscles. "Alright, half an hour with that should be fine."

"Ugh," Jim whined, "Half an hour of sitting in this bed?"

"Jim, your ACL tore because you were walking around on it! I can see where it had a minor tear, and your movement ripped the damn thing apart!" 

Jim had the decency to look chastised. 

"Half an hour Jim. I'll return and have a look at it then."

He nodded, and I left. 

I spent some time looking around Starfleet Medical, just making sure I knew where everything was. Searching for Jim's hypo and the regen kits had made me aware that I didn't know where anything was in an emergency. I spent fifteen minutes in the surgical ward, just making sure I could put my hands on a hypo of ramipril or lozataran in case of a flatline, and a few other time-sensitive drugs that were commonly grabbed for in trauma surgery. 

Half an hour later, I returned to Jim's room. 

Apparently either the fight had taken a lot out of him, or the lack of sleep after our drunk night had caught up to him. Jim was asleep. 

I tried to tread lightly, sleep wasn't the worst thing for his healing body, but he suddenly awoke. For a moment, he looked ready to fight, but he relaxed when he laid eyes on me. 

"Hey Bones. Am I good to go now?"

"Let me check."

I looked at the biobed, and the regen units. His face and ribs were definitely as fine as they would get, but his knee was still unstable. 

"Your knee still needs a bit of work Jim. Either you wear a brace for the next week, or you need another half hour under the regen unit."

Jim sighed exasperatedly. 

"If you don't like it, don't get into fights."

"I don't regret it Bones. I know I could have done it differently - "

"I know Jim, I get it." 

We sat quietly for a while, the only sound the whirring of the regen unit.

"Pike thinks I shouldn't try and finish in three years."

I turned to Jim, "You're trying to finish command track in three years? I didn't think you could get advanced standing for command?"

Jim shook his head, "You can't. Medical, Science, Engineering, if you come in with a degree, you skip a bunch of classes and get put straight into Cadet third class. Command is four years though. Although Pike has managed to wave me from a few prerequisites."

"So, you're trying to complete the hardest track at the academy in three years?"

Jim shrugged, "Yeah."

I blew out a breath. Once again, I was struck by Jim's idiocy. Although, he had shown he was driven. "What do you think? Can you do it?"

His face twisted into smug confidence, "Of course I can!"

I sensed a fakeness to the confidence, but let him have it. "If you manage it, we'll graduate together."

Jim grinned genuinely at that. "That's a good reason to try then."

I rolled my eyes dramatically, "Sure kid."

After a while, the regen unit beeped, and I checked Jim's knee. It appeared to have healed as well as it was going to. Medical science had come far, but some things just needed old fashioned rest and time. 

"Alright. You should be fine to walk back to the dorm, but take it easy. I'll have a check tonight to make sure it’s still healing okay. Try not to get into any fights between now and then."

Jim grinned at me, "Me? Get into fights? No way."

My chest ached, this damn kid was gonna be the death of me. 

I spent the next few hours checking up on the admitted patients. Eventually, Boyce returned, and we debriefed in the staff room. 

"How did everything go McCoy? I assume there were no emergencies?"

I shook my head, "Just a stupid Cadet who got into a fight."

"That's good then. I was hoping to speak with you about your classes then, if you've got a bit more time."

I nodded, and he pulled out a PADD.

"Because of your MDs and PhD, you won’t need to do a lot of your classes. In fact, if you want, you could work on another PhD."

"I'll let you know if I think of anything to do it on."

"Well, you've got trauma and neurosurgery covered, you've got a psychology degree, you've done a lot of time in A&E. Honestly, your only gaps are the common core Starfleet classes and xenomedicine. If you can pick those up, you've got some amazing qualifications for a CMO position in the future. You'd just have to take basic piloting."

I scoffed at that, there was always a catch, "I'm not a fan of shuttles. Or space."

"Well I'm afraid you're in the wrong organisation McCoy. Basic piloting would then also be a great opportunity for you to face your fear. I’ll sign you up."

Dammit. 

"You'll also be rostered for shifts here at Starfleet Medical. We don't get too busy until the Cadets get antsy and start breaking themselves, and we are always on standby to take casualties from San Francisco, but you should be able to get some studying done while you're on shift. Any questions?"

"No, you've answered everything I was gonna ask."

"Alright. Your timetable should come out tonight. Thanks for covering this shift."

I grunted at him, and headed back to the dorm.


	7. Fifteen???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.08.04
> 
> Classes start up, and Jim has an interesting day of meeting new people and defying expectations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW at end notes

My first class was basic hand-to-hand. 

I knew that eating just before doing such vigorous activity wouldn't end well, and there was no way I was skipping breakfast, so I got up early. 

The mess hall was a ghost town when I entered. The few people that were eating were in medical scrubs or were bleary eyed cadets who looked like they hadn't slept.

I piled my plate up and sat in the corner to eat. 

Even after all these years of having regular meals, I still made sure to savour every last bite. 

I pocketed a banana as I left, I'd be hungry after moving around so much, and headed out to the gym. 

I knew it was early, so I pulled out my PADD and got started on some of the readings for the xenolinguistics. I felt a pang of pain in my chest as I read some of it. It reminded me of the place and people I had learned Vulcan and Klingon in and from, and memories of Tarsus were never constructive. 

But Pike had been right, I would need to work hard to finish in three years. 

I pressed on, reading about the etymology and conjugation of Vulcan verbs, until the rest of the class began to arrive, milling around outside the gym.

Eventually, our teacher showed up, and we stepped inside. 

At first glance, she looked small and fragile, the exact opposite of a combat instructor. But looks could certainly be deceiving. 

"Welcome Cadets. I am Commander Luong. My job is to teach all of you the basics of hand to hand combat. For most of you, this will be your only combat class, for some of you, this is the beginning of many combat classes."

As Luong spoke, she swept her eyes around the room, looking at each of us and seemingly measuring us up. I followed her gaze. Most of the class were Cadet fourth class. Some were third, and two were second. An interesting mix. 

"To properly teach you, I need to understand where everyone is at. First, we shall stretch, then I will spar with each of you."

With that, we began our stretches. It seemed like most of the class had never done any physical sports before, I was the only one able to properly follow Luong's stretching examples. 

I noticed the Cadet next to me was stretching his hamstrings completely wrong, putting his weight too far back as he stretched out his leg.

I leaned over and whispered to him, "You need to lean further forward." 

"What?"

"To stretch your hamstrings, you need to put your weight further forward."

He rolled his eyes at me, "What would you know."

I guess that's what you got for trying to be helpful. 

"Cadets! Are you two alright over there?" Luong called to us from where she was correcting a Cadet on the other side of the room.

"We're fine." I called back. 

We continued to stretch, and she moved amongst us, correcting Cadets when required. She watched me for a few moments, nodded, and moved onto the guy next to me. 

"You need to move your weight further forward Cadet."

He shot me a glare as he corrected himself, and Luong moved on. 

Eventually, Luong decided we were stretched enough. "Who wants to spar first?"

No one volunteered. 

"Come on, I'm just a small woman, how hard could it be to fight me?"

I couldn't help the chuckle that escaped my mouth, and she zeroed in on it. "Something funny Cadet...?"

"Kirk, ma'am. I just think it is funny that you could be easy to fight."

"And why would you say that Cadet Kirk?"

"Well to start with, you’re our combat instructor. If you were a pushover, you wouldn't be here."

She nodded, "Anything else?"

"Your biceps are massive, you stand in a combat ready stance, you are short, yes, but that means you have a lower centre of gravity. It would be easier for you to knock me over, and harder for me to knock you over. Also, “I paused for a moment, wondering if I would overstep myself, "You're a lot closer to the easiest way to take out a guy."

The class chuckled at that, and I had judged her humour correctly, because she laughed along with them.

"Alright Cadet Kirk, you seem to have made a good judge of me. Do you think you could take me in a fight?"

I considered for a moment. On one hand, I was damn good in a fight, especially when I wasn't being mobbed by half a dozen Starfleet Cadets. On the other hand, she was likely a very skilled fighter to have gotten this position. Humility also wouldn't do me any harm, I had already heard whispers behind me when I'd named myself as Kirk.

"Ma'am, I've not seen you fight, but I would wager that you didn't get this position by chance."

"Then let’s test that." She pointed to the sparring mat at the front of the gym, and we both moved onto it. "Nothing to the head or crotch, everything else is fair game."

I nodded, taking in long deep breaths. People underestimated how hard it was to breathe in the middle of a fight, so pre-oxygenation was a good strategy. 

"Three. Two. One."

On one, nothing happened. She stared me down, and I her. 

I was hoping she would come to me, trying to push past the range where my longer arms would help me, but she was either aware of this tactic, or was waiting for me to move so she could judge my skills. 

Dammit. Either way, I’d need to move. 

I took a step forward, and went for a punch to the chest, she deflected easily, and the fight was on. 

She did attempt to crowd into my space, and I kept her off as best I could, taking quick steps backwards and around, and dodging her attempted to trip me. She landed a few solid blows into my stomach, and I caught her in the shoulder. 

We continued to trade blows, most of them blocked or deflected, until she feinted a punch, I took a step back, and she twisted to catch her foot around my ankle. 

In my efforts to dodge her, I'd placed my weight in the worst position for a fraction of a second. I would likely have been able to recover it, but the leg I was left standing on was the one that Sunshine had crippled, and it was still not quite healed. She took advantage of that fraction of a second and my injured knee, and brought me tumbling to the ground. 

On the ground, I was a dead man. Before I even hit the ground, I twisted, using my momentum and weight to roll into her legs. 

She hadn't been expecting it, and I brought her to the ground with me. 

We struggled on the ground for a few moments, before she called out "Done!"

I released my grip on her arm and rolled back. 

She grinned at me. "What the hell are you doing in a basic combat class Cadet Kirk?"

I shrugged, "Lucky I guess."

She shook her head. "I need to test everyone individually. While I do that, I want to you teach the rest of them how to throw a punch properly - positioning of fingers, how to put the most force in - that sort of thing."

I nodded, and we stood up. 

The rest of the class was weird. I had not woken up expecting to teach a hand-to-hand class, but that's how it went. Apparently, the fight had been something to watch, because everyone - even Cadet 'What would you know' - followed my instructions with no complaint. 

At the end of class, Luong called me over after everyone was dismissed. "Who is your academic advisor? Unless you're going into security track, I'm happy to test you out of your hand to hand requirements."

"Captain Pike."

She raised her eyebrow, "Really?"

"What, is that odd?"

"Well - no, it’s nothing. I'll have a chat to him. Dismissed Cadet Kirk."

Well something was obviously weird about Pike being my advisor. I had a quick shower, got dressed, and wolfed down my banana on the way to advanced warp theory. But it wasn't anything I was going to figure out today. I could chat to him on Saturday, and casually ask other Cadets who their advisors were. 

The test I had taken under Sam's name had included questions from linguistics to Federation history to scientific theories. Spending the last seven years bouncing though University of Iowa's classes and students, I'd managed to pick up quite a lot of general knowledge. 

Apparently, I had picked up more general knowledge than I thought. Everyone else in the class was second or first class, except for two third class cadets and me. I could feel the glances of my fellow Cadets as we all entered class, and I knew they were all trying to figure out how I was there. 

I sat at the table with the two third class Cadets and - oh my god, one of them was a freaking child.

"Hello! I am Pavel Chekov!"

I shook his hand, "Jim Kirk." Oh my god. How had Starfleet recruited a primary school aged kid?

"I am very excited to be in zhis class. Did you know zhat warp theory was invented in Russia?"

A fucking primary school aged Russian? "I'm pretty sure warp theory was invented by Zefram Cochrane."

Chekov grinned at that, "Zhat is just what zhey want you to think. It was really zhe Russians."

The other third-class Cadet leaned forward to cut in, "Don't listen to him Kirk. If Pavel were to be believed, Russia invented everything from ice cream to subspace relays."

"I'm sure Russians would have loved a cold treat on those warm summer days."

Chekov pouted at that, and his friend reached out a hand to shake, "Hikaru Sulu."

We were interrupted at that point by the teacher clearing his throat. "Good morning Cadets. For those of you who don't know me," His eyes roamed the class before settling on me, "I am Commander Tucker*, head of the engineering faculty here at the Academy." 

The calm I'd gotten from chatting to Chekov and Sulu evaporated immediately, as every other student in the class turned to look at me. Great. 

Tucker moved on pretty quickly though. "Today we are going to be revising all the warp theory that you've forgotten over the holidays and preparing for the rest of this unit. The capstone project will be a to-scale creation of a warp core, and an accompanying analysis of the theories, difficulties and challenges of warp core production, function and maintenance. You will be working in small groups of three, so keep an eye on other Cadets so you know who you want to work with before week three."

The rest of the lesson was a review of warp core mechanics, how the matter/antimatter reaction powers the nacelles, and how they form the warp bubble displacement field. None of it was anything new, but I took down notes regardless. For one thing, it gave me something to do other than twiddling my thumbs, and for another, it was interesting to see the minor differences between what I knew and what Starfleet was teaching. It was likely that Starfleet was just at the front of this kind of technology, it would take time for the information to reach and be taught in University engineering courses. 

Class ended before I knew it, and I was packing up when Commander Tucker asked me to stay back for a moment. 

I walked to the front of the room as everyone else filed out. 

"Commander?"

Tucker looked at me thoughtfully, "What did you think of the class Cadet Kirk?"

"Sir?"

"Did you understand everything? Was there anything you didn't know?"

I frowned. Was this a test? "I understood it all, sir. Some of it was presented differently than what I had learned. The calculations for matter to antimatter proportions to generate warp were always taught to me as a way to calculate the warp, whereas you spoke about them in terms of calculating amounts of matter and anti-matter. It makes more sense to do it your way when trying to power a starship, because you want the dependant variable as the one you calculate."

Tucker nodded for a moment, "That's fine Kirk. I just don't want you getting left behind. I saw your entrance tests, you have a good head for warp theory, but this is complex stuff."

I nodded, "It certainly is sir. Took months to get my head around it all."

He seemed taken aback, "Months?"

"Yes sir. But I got there in the end."

He stared at me for solid moment, and I realised I'd said something wrong. "Is there anything else sir?"

Tucker shook his head, "No Cadet, dismissed."

I grabbed my stuff and exited the classroom as quickly as I could. Surprisingly, Chekov and Sulu were waiting outside. 

We fell into step as we headed towards the mess hall for lunch.

"What did Commander Tucker want?" Sulu asked.

"He just wanted to make sure I wasn't having trouble with any of the content. I guess you don't get many fourth-class Cadets in advanced warp theory."

Chekov shook his head, "No you don't. I was going to take zhe class last year, but Keptain Pike said I shouldn't rush through my classes because zhey won’t let me on a Starship until I am eighteen."

I stopped and turned to Chekov, "How old are you kid?"

He gave me a big grin, and stood up to his full height, "I am fifteen!"

"Fifteen??? Oh my god, you're a child."

He pouted at that, "I am not!" The pout and the tone did nothing to help his assertion. 

I shook my head, and continued towards the mess hall, "Sure you aren't."

Muffled laughter drew my attention to Sulu. 

"Hikaru! It’s not nice to laugh at me!"

Sulu schooled his face into one of contrition, "Sorry Pavel, I shouldn't laugh at you."

"Sorry Chekov, I shouldn't be mean. You must be very clever to have gotten into Starfleet Academy so young."

Chekov beamed at that, "All Russian children are wery smart, Keptan Pike just saw my intelligence and asked me to join zhe Academy."

I nodded, grinning. His cheer was contagious. When we got to the mess hall, we ended up sitting together at one of the tables. Sulu led us to one in the middle of the hall, and I tried to ignore the sense of people behind me.

No one would steal my food. No one would sneak up and attack me. I was with two new friends, and I would be fine.

"So what track are you on Kirk?" Sulu asked between bites.

"Command. What about you guys?"

"Navigation and Engineering!" Chekov declared. 

"I'm doing piloting and security."

"Do a lot of people do dual tracks?"

Sulu made a non-committal shrug, "More than you would think. If you're in Starfleet, you're already an overachiever. Some people choose to really specialise, and some people generalise. My academic advisor told me that I would be more likely to get a spot on a good ship as a security specialist, there's more qualified pilots than there are positions. A lot of pilots end up doing food runs to the colonies."

I felt a cold sense of dread cool my head. "You know, that's a damn important job Sulu. Without it, people die."

Both men flinched at my cold tone. 

"I - I didn't mean it like that Kirk. I know it’s an important job. I just meant that it’s not the exciting career we envision when we join Starfleet."

I calmed my racing heart. Sulu had likely never experienced true emptiness of starvation, the absolute despair at realising there was no food, and no one was coming to help. 

The anguish as another child died in my arms. 

I sighed. "Sorry. You're right, it’s not exactly a journey of exploration and discovery."

We continued to eat in silence, and I focused on my food. 

"If you are doing kommand, why are you taking advanced warp zheory?"

I shrugged at that, "A captain should know about the workings of the entire ship, not just how to sit in the chair up the front. And similar to you Sulu, there’s only so many straight command positions."

"Zhat is very clever."

I gave the other men a cocky grin, “Although I’ll have no issue becoming captain.”

The tension broken somewhat, we continued to talk about minor things at the Academy. Sulu discussed his continued efforts to get a fencing club started, Chekov complained about federation laws that forbade him from drinking 'Russian water' until he was twenty-one. I listened intently, offering agreement and sympathy as required. 

Eventually lunch was over, and I left the two men to head to head to our separate afternoon classes. 

My second last class of the day was Federation History, a topic that I hoped would include exciting discussions of Archer's Enterprise missions and the complexities of the Earth-Romulan war, but was more likely to be a dry analysis on Federation policy. 

As a core class, Federation History was full of new Cadets. Thankfully, that meant Bones would be around here somewhere. 

I entered the room, looking for the cantankerous Doctor, and instead came face-to-face with Uhura. 

"Kirk." She said evenly.

Flirting game, on, "I am truly blessed to see your lovely face this afternoon, Uhura."

She rolled her eyes at me, "Come over here." She dragged me to the corner of the room so we couldn't be overheard, and her face suddenly shifted from casual disinterest to kindness. 

Oh shit. Was she actually going to kiss me? Admittedly, I had thought it would take longer to get there, and I would be sad to miss out on the sizzling banter that our interactions had hinted at - 

"Hendorff told me what you did in Riverside."

Ah. That made more sense. "Look, it was nothing Uhura," I winked at her, "Just because Maxwell needed drugs to get into your pants, doesn't mean I can’t do it with my baby blue eyes and sweet charm."

She lightly slapped me on the shoulder at that. "You can play the chauvinist pig Kirk, and I won’t ruin your burgeoning reputation as a bad boy. I just wanted to say thank you."

My flirtatious and sarcastic remarks died on my tongue, and I just nodded. 

She turned to sit down with Galia, and I spotted Bones sitting at one of the tables in the back of the room. 

I slid down into the seat next to him. "How're you doing Bonesy?"

He groaned and banged his head on the desk.

I patted him lightly on the shoulder, "There, there old man."

He grunted at that, and I laughed. 

It turned out that Federation history was neither boring nor exhilarating, but a good mix of both. We started by examining the Federation Charter, but we discussed it in terms of what Captain Archer and the Enterprise had faced and how those events had informed some of the inclusions of the charter. 

There was also a discussion about the first amendment to the Charter, the banning of slavery within Federation space. Galia was happy to contribute a lot to this discussion, as the amendment was directly in response to the annexation of several Orion colonies that had been found to have slaves. 

All in all, it was a much more fun class than I had dreaded. 

Bones spent most of the class alternating between simmering anger and quiet depression. I tried to draw him into the discussion as much as I could, and eventually he seemed to calm down. 

When class let out, I turned to Bones, "You got anything on now?"

Bones sighed dramatically, "Vulcan biology class."

"Well, that sounds exciting."

He nodded, "Well, it’s gotta be easier than Andorian biology." With class over, whatever was disturbing him had come back into the forefront of his mind. 

"We should go out and get dinner tonight, celebrate surviving our first day of classes!"

Bones smiled a bit at that, "Sure Jim, meet you at our dorm after fourth period."

It occurred to me as we parted ways and I headed to xenolinguistics, that somewhere in the last few days Bones had gone from 'Kirk' to 'Jim'. Aww, the cantankerous Doctor liked me! I felt a twinge in my chest at that. Since Sam, there hadn't really been anyone who I'd been close to. Would Leonard McCoy become someone I could trust as much as Sam? Someone to rely on to cover my back? My heart ached with a yes, but only time would tell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW/CW: mentions of attempted drugging and date-rape
> 
> *It likely wont come up in the story, so I'll put it here. With the passage of timing being what it is, this is not Trip, its one of his grand children: Charles Tucker V. I just couldnt resist putting a reference to Enterprise in this story.


	8. Plaintiff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.08.04
> 
> Now Bones get to do the education thing. He's done it before, what could possibly go wrong!!! :P

Jim was already gone by the time I woke up. 

Wasn't that just my luck, to be stuck rooming with a morning person. At least he was quiet. 

I rolled out of bed and got dressed for the day. Halfway across the country, Joce would be getting Jojo out of bed for school. I sat down in front of my PADD, staring at the message I'd drafted and edited a hundred times. 

I sighed.

> __
> 
> _From: lhmccoy@cadet.sa.ufp  
To: jfmccoy@civ.te.ufp  
Subject: Talk_
> 
> _Jocelyn, _
> 
> _I <del>am sorry</del> was hoping to speak to Jojo and see how she is going. I was also hoping to speak to you about <del>how you fucked another man in our house while our daughter slept upstairs</del> how everything is going. _
> 
> _Leonard_
> 
> __

Goddamn it. I pressed send, it wasn't going to get any better. I put my PADD on silent. I didn't want to wait for the _ping_ of her response, I'd check it between classes on my own terms.

Speaking of class, I'd need to get going soon if I wanted food before I started. 

I rushed by the mess hall, grabbing a quick bite before class. 

Then again, given what the class was, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted anything to eat. 

I ended up choking down a banana. It wasn't a myth that they tasted the same on the way up as they did going down. I needed to be prepared. 

I stood out front of the Starfleet Academy hangers and felt sweat begin to soak me. Could I do this? Well, it’s not like we were going to be piloting shuttles today. Surely. Not in the first class. I took deep and steady breaths, trying to keep myself under control. 

I walked towards the classroom. Yeah, not in the _first_ class. 

The basic piloting course was full to the brim with fourth class cadets, all eighteen-year olds with more bravado than sense. They were all chatting amongst themselves, excited to be in their first class of Starfleet Academy. 

I sat down halfway up the room. It had been a while since I'd been in university, but I knew not to sit too close to the front - you'd get asked for answers - or too close to the back - you'd get accused of slacking off.

It was a good thing I had decided to hide, it meant no one noticed that I spent the class quietly hyperventilating as they spoke about the basics of the piloting matrix in shuttles. All I could think about was what would happen if there was a crack in the windows and the shuttle depressurised, or if a spark made it into the fuel line and the shuttle blew up, or if a piece of space debris - 

I managed to subtly panic my way through the class, keeping enough of a neutral scowl on my face to discourage anyone from speaking to me. At the end, the teacher - Commander Asher - said the thing I dreaded. Not only did we need to pilot an actual shuttle out of Earth's atmosphere and return it to pass the class, but we would be starting in the simulators next week. 

Fantastic. 

I packed up my things and left class, striding to the nearest toilets to wash my face and calm down. It would be fine. It would be fine. I sat there for a while longer, and almost believed myself. At least I hadn't thrown up.

Because I was a sucker for pain, I checked my PADD while walking to the next class. No response from Jocelyn. That's just great. 

I realised I had spent a bit too long feeling sorry for myself and sped up to get to my next class. 

I ducked in just as the teacher, an Andorian woman, did. 

Unfortunately, unlike my piloting class, I wouldn't be able to hide. There was only a dozen of us in the class, so it would be impossible. Fortunatly, anatomy and physiology was one of my strengths. 

"Good morning Cadets, I am Doctor Kaedn, and I will be teaching you the basics of Andorian biology, anatomy, physiology and medicine." 

For the next two and a half hours, I learned two things. Firstly, even though I had been one of the best doctors in Georgia, here in Starfleet, I was just another doctor amongst the Federation's best. And because I had only ever studied human medicine, I was behind most of the other medical cadets. That was made painfully obvious whenever I was called on to answer anything. Secondly, Andorians were very different from humans. 

I finished class with a groan. I hadn't felt this stupid since I'd started my medical degree. I knew that I would understand it with time and study, my anatomy lecturer had always said I had a knack for A&P, but it would take time. 

I checked my PADD on the walk to lunch, once again, no response. I tried to rationalise it, she wouldn't be checking her messages while at work. Sure. Of course. 

I grabbed my lunch and sat outside. The din within the mess hall was too much, and I decided that the cool temperatures of outside matched my mood better. 

I made sure to head to Federation History with plenty of time to spare, I didn't need a repeat of showing up almost late to class. 

The teacher was already at the front of the room when I arrived, and there were some other cadets scattered around the room. Jim wasn't here yet, but we had compared timetables last night, and it was one of two basic classes we shared. I had been astounded at the number of classes he was taking, he had no spares. I wasn't sure whether it was a good thing that he was in a different basic piloting class. On one hand it meant he wouldn't see me panic again, but on the other hand he had actually been a calming presence on the shuttle from Riverside to San Francisco. 

Picking a table, I remembered how at the orientation lecture, and in the bar, he had picked a spot where no one was behind him, and he could escape easily. There was only one entrance to the classroom, but there was a table near the back next to the window. I had no doubt that he could scale the three stories of the building if he felt sufficiently threatened. He had the combined idiocy and physique to almost guarantee it.

I sat down and flicked open the PADD. 

I had a message. From Joce.

> __
> 
> _2256.08.02.13:51  
From: jfmccoy@civ.te.ufp  
To: lhmccoy@cadet.sa.ufp  
Subject: Re: Talk_
> 
> _Leonard, _
> 
> _Please read and return the attached ASAP._
> 
> _Jocelyn_
> 
> _ **Attachment has been scanned by Starfleet Security and contains no viruses**  
_

I clicked on the attachment, dreading what it could contain.

> __  
SUPERIOR COURT OF DEKALB COUNTY  
STATE OF GEORGIA 
> 
> _Jocelyn McCoy nee Darnell (PLAINTIFF)_
> 
> _vs._
> 
> _Leonard McCoy (DEFENDANT)_
> 
> _COMPLAINT FOR DIVORCE WITH MINOR CHILDREN_
> 
> _MY NAME IS Jocelyn McCoy nee Darnell AND I AM REPRESENTING MYSELF IN THIS DIVORCE ACTION. IN SUPPORT OF MY CASE -  
_

Oh god. This wasn't happening. I had always known it was possible, but I hadn't imagined it would happen so quickly. Jocelyn would take Joanna, full custody, and I'd never see her again.

I continued to read through the papers, frantically looking for something, anything to help. 'irreconcilable differences', 'married within the county', hang on: 'Lived apart for twelve months. Ha! I'd only been gone for one month. She couldn't do this. 

I was under no illusions that an eleven-month delay would stop the divorce. And honestly, the moment I had seen her screwing another man in the house we raised our daughter, I knew it was over. But at least this would give me time to figure out how to get some kind of joint custody. 

Yeah, joint custody where one of us had a stable legal job in one of the biggest firms in the state, and the other one lived on a spaceship. 

I sent back a message civilly pointing out the lack of living separation, and stared at the PADD for a while, seeing if she would respond straight away with some crazy legal mumbo jumbo about why I needed to sign the forms now. 

I heard someone slip into the chair next to me, it was Jim. "How're you doing Bonesy?"

I groaned and banged my head on the desk.

He patted my shoulder, and my soul mark throbbed in time with the pain in my chest. "There, there old man."

I grunted at that, and he laughed. 

The start of class went over my head, I was too distracted to pay attention. After a while, Jim glanced at me with a look of concern, and then tried to draw me into the discussion. It didn't stop me thinking about Joanna and Jocelyn, but it gave me a bit of distraction. Jim was a good friend. 

When class let out, Jim turned to me, "You got anything on now?"

I sighed dramatically, "Vulcan biology class."

"Well, that sounds exciting."

I nodded, "Well, it’s gotta be easier than Andorian biology." Vulcans may be touch telepaths and completely deny their feelings, but at least they had endoskeletons and one cardiovascular system. At the moment, the ability to separate myself from my feelings seemed like it would be a godsend. I felt the anger and despair from Joce's message come creeping back. 

"We should go out and get dinner tonight, celebrate surviving our first day of classes!"

I smiled a bit at that, "Sure Jim, meet you at our dorm after fourth period."

Jim grinned and ran off, and I felt a twinge in my chest. He had spent the class trying to distract me, and I could bet he was trying to do the same thing now. I hadn't come to Starfleet expecting to make friends - I'd honestly not come to Starfleet expecting anything except an escape from my depressing life in Atlanta - but I was happy to be making one. 

Sure enough, Vulcan biology was a lot easier. Or at least, a lot more comparable to humans. Their kidneys were ten times more effective due to their desert environment, and they had hygroscopic nodules within their mouth and nose to reduce the amount of water exhaled in their breath, they were similar to terran camels. It was all fascinating, and I had a lot easier time participating in the class discussions here. 

Jim and I ended up at a small Japanese restaurant that was five minutes’ walk from campus for dinner. 

It was as we were about to walk in, that Jim froze.

"Uh, Bones."

I turned to look at Jim, and saw his face flushed red with embarrassment. 

"The cadet stipend doesn't start until Friday."

Jesus, did this kid not have any money? I opened my mouth to ask a multitude of questions. Why didn’t he have money? What had he been doing before Starfleet? Why hadn’t his mother helped him? But I thought better of it. 

"My shout, payback for the shuttle."

He smiled at that, and we stepped inside. 

"What kind of oil do you fry in?" Jim asked, as we ordered the food.

"Canola."

"Good."

I raised an eyebrow at Jim after the waiter left, "Oil?"

"I'm allergic to nuts. A lot of Japanese restaurants use peanut oil to fry."

"And you didn’t think to mention this before I ordered satay?"

Jim winked at me, "It'll be fine unless you plan on making out with me later."

I laughed awkwardly at that, trying to ignore the pressing memory of the last kiss Joce and I had shared, a parting peck as I'd left to take Jojo to school. That had been the day I'd gotten the call about my daddy's illness.

"So how were your classes today?" I asked, trying to distract myself. 

Jim launched into a rant about Pike making him take basic hand-to-hand and how he had almost taken out the teacher, and then an excited description of the Korean and Russian third-class Cadets that he'd met in advanced warp theory. 

I laughed along as Jim described the fifteen-year-old boy's excited discussions of Russia's inventions. 

"Xenolinguistics was fun. I'm a bit rusty on Vulcan, but Uhura and I managed to spend the whole lesson conversing in it. Commander Barhnette believes that we should immerse ourselves into a language, if we can, so he told us we couldn't speak in our native tongues."

"That must have been difficult."

"Not as difficult as some cadets had it. At least Uhura and I know other languages. One cadet spent the whole class trying to read Klingon."

When our food came, I made sure to eat as neatly as possible. Jim might be blasé about his allergy, but I didn’t want to cause any reactions. Thankfully, we made it through the meal without difficulty. 

Jim cleaned his plate to within an inch of its life, licking his finger and dabbing at the crumbs to ensure there wasn’t a scrap of food left.

"Do you want to lick it too?"

Jim flushed red again, "Sorry."

"Are you still hungry? I can order more food."

Jim shook his head, "It's fine Bones."

"Jim - "

"it's fine." His tone changed to one of finality, and I nodded.

"Time to get going then?"

I paid, and we headed back to the academy. Despite the sour end to the meal, we walked in companionable silence. 

At least tomorrow would start with Clinic Hours and not piloting.


	9. Lightning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.08.05 - 2256.08.09
> 
> Jim finds out something about Pike, and has some more classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor CW/TW warning at end notes

Ending Mondays with xenolinguistics had been cruel but starting a Tuesday with Quantum Chemistry was worse. People understood the Quantum world in one of two ways: Either you understood it, really understood it, like Stephen Hawking or Zefram Cochrane. Or you held it all in your head at once, balancing the assumptions and teachings you'd been given and praying that you can finish the equations before your tenuous grip on the foreign and nonsensical world failed.  
  
Despite my, as Pike put it, genius level intellect, I was definitely closer to the head-holding than the real understanding. Thankfully, plenty of people had told me over the years I had a big head, so I could usually hold all the understanding together long enough to make it happen.  
  
On a Tuesday morning, it was hard to do though. This was a class like Advanced Warp Theory, I was the only Cadet of either fourth or third class, so that was certainly awkward. On the other hand, the teacher didn’t feel the need to check in on me at the end of class, so I counted it as a win.  
  
I blamed the lack of attention on the awkwardness of last night held in the back of my mind. Of course, I had managed to embarrass myself in front of Bones, practically licking my plate clean. I hadn't wanted to order too much on another's dime, and I hadn’t even realised I’d been eating every last crumb until Bones had pointed it out. I needed to watch myself more, no need for anyone to think me weirder than I was. Although Bones didn’t seem to mind it.  
  
  
Transporter theory was _incredibly_ fun. It was taught by a short Scottish man who kept complaining that Commander Tucker wouldn't let him test out increasingly insane transporter theories. He seemed convinced that it was possible to beam onto and off of a ship at warp, and once he realised that I had the engineering knowledge to back up my comments, class descended into the two of us civilly debating the trans-warp theory and how to pinpoint the location of a ship within warp down to an degree of accuracy good enough for transporting onto. I could feel the eyes of the rest of the second- and first-class cadets on me, but the distraction was enough that I didn’t mind.  
  
  
I ate lunch in the corner of the mess hall, happy to at least be able to keep my back against the wall for this meal. I ignored the warring voices in my head, one telling me to wolf down my food and hide from people, and the other one telling me that it was okay to ask for help, and that I should speak to people about my food and paranoia issues. I did end up going up for seconds though, and both voices settled quietly. 

  
I wasn’t sure what to make of Stellar Cartography. It was fun to learn about the measures of accuracy of our celestial maps, but it was basically space geography. Space, it turned out, did not make everything more exciting. I persevered through the class, knowing that understanding the principles that governed navigation about Starships was an important skill for Captains to have. And hey, Ad Astra per aspera. It was a rough road to the stars, and it was a road I was willing to take.  
  
  
I headed for my final class of the day - basic piloting. I was excited to learn how to fly, this is what Starfleet was all about: flying into the stars. I paid as much attention as I could to the teacher explaining the basic theories behind flight, and how the simulator worked. Hopefully next week, we would be able to get into the simulators. I absolutely could not wait.  
  
Just before class ended, I got a message on my PADD from Pike, asking for me to come see him in his office when I finished class.  
  
I quickly ran my mind over the last three days but couldn't think of anything I had done that would cause Pike to summon me. It was likely to be about the hand to hand class, I reasoned.  
  
  
  
Pike's secretary led me straight in to see him, and he motioned me to a seat.  
  
"So, I would like to start this by apologising Cadet. I should have believed you when you said you were a capable fighter."  
  
"Luong spoke to you?"  
  
Pike scoffed, "Luong wants you to change to security track."  
  
I laughed in response.  
  
"Unfortunately, I can’t put you into any other classes Jim. Timetables are closed, and I don’t think you would appreciate the attention it would take for the Commandant of the Cadets to step in to put you into a class."  
  
"Wouldn’t want to bring any more attention than being my academic advisor?" I guessed.  
  
"Ah yes, wouldn’t want that. Anyway, Luong said you were good when teaching the other hand to hand students, and there is provision for TA's to get course credit. She and I are happy for you to officially assist her with teaching the basic hand to hand class."  
  
I considered it for a moment. "A good captain should be a good teacher."  
  
Pike nodded, "That is true."  
  
Suddenly, the afternoon sun coming through the window vanished, the glass going a pitch black.  
  
Pike sighed, "Dammit. I've spoken to the quartermaster a dozen times about this! Computer, lights on."  
  
The lights came on, and Pike stood up to fiddle with the control panel next to the window. Eventually, he reached above the window and pulled out a wire, and the window brightened.  
  
Evidently, Pike had spent the entire day at his desk, because his shirt was untucked. Which meant as he reached up to grab the wire, his shirt rode up on his back.  
  
Curving up from his left hip was a shot glass. Branching out from his right hip was a lightning bolt.  
  
A familiar lightning bolt. The same lightning bolt that my mother had.  
  
What the fuck.  
  
"Captain Pike," I questioned, trying to keep my tone neutral, "Did you know my dad?"  
  
Pike turned back and sat down, "Computer, lights off. Yes, I did, and your mother too. We were all in the same year at the academy."  
  
I narrowed my eyes. "So, were you screwing him behind my mother’s back? Or did she know about it?"  
  
Pike subconsciously placed his hand behind his right hip and sighed.  
  
"It wasn't like that. I loved your father, but so did your mother. And the love I could provide him," he paused for a second, and through my anger, I could see there was something he was internally debating, "the love I could provide him was not the love he needed."  
  
"Because he was straight? Because he wanted children?"  
  
"Because ... It doesn’t matter. He was already falling for your mother. I knew that if I told him about the mark, told either of them... It would have just torn us apart. I preferred to keep it to myself. I'd decided it was better to have both of them as good friends."  
  
I scoffed at that, "Good friends? Where were you when my mother was drinking herself to sleep on the couch? When she would sit for hours staring at her soul-mark? When she would cry or scream every time she laid eyes on me, thinking I was my dad? When she sent Sam and I off to - " I cut myself off suddenly, no need to drag Tarsus into this. I refocussed, "Is this why you recruited me, why you agreed to be my academic advisor? Because of misplaced love for a man who's been dead twenty-three years?"  
  
"Kirk. Jim. I'm sorry that I wasn’t there for you and your family. I could blame it on my grief, and your mother isolating herself, but I honestly had just as much difficulty facing you as she did. By the time I realised I should have stepped in, she'd sent you off to live with relatives on some far-flung colony."  
  
I wondered if Pike knew about Tarsus. I wondered if he'd tell me if he did. I considered asking him for a moment but decided to leave it. A conversation for another time, if I ever had the guts to ask.  
  
"I didn't recruit you because of your father. I recruited you because a high result application was flagged in the system, and when I opened it, I found George Kirk's name. After investigation, I saw it was George Samuel Kirk, not George Peter Kirk. And the fact that Sam Kirk was dead meant that it had to be you. It was an honest coincidence that I ran into you at the bar in Riverside. I had been trying to track you down around the university of Iowa for a few days, but it was hard with the uni semester out."  
  
I sat back in my seat, trying to digest all the information. I could feel Pike's eyes boring into me. I couldn't process this right now. Not after all the turmoil of starting at the Academy, not while he was staring at me.  
  
I stood up. "Thank you, Captain Pike. Can I be dismissed?"  
  
He nodded, and I practically ran back to the dorm.  
  
  
  
I only got halfway there before I realised that I couldn't face Bones. I was too wired up, too tense. He would notice, and he would ask questions. I went to the gym, thankful that it was open 24/7.  
  
I got on a treadmill and started running. The ache in my legs built as kilometres of phantom terrain rushed by. I pushed and pushed, ignoring the pain in my legs and gasping in my chest. I ran until thoughts of my father and mother at Starfleet, laughing together while Pike watched them, faded into the back of my mind. I ran until the only thoughts I could summon were the exhaustion of the running.  
  
It was almost midnight by the time I stepped down from the treadmill. I'd almost run the equivalent of a marathon in just over five hours, and my legs were certainly letting me know.  
  
Thankfully, my mind continued to stay quiet as I had a shower and swung by the mess hall on my way back to the dorm.  
  
It was easy to fall into bed, and my dreams were silent.  
  
  
  
It was hard to pay attention in Tactical Analysis the next morning, which was a shame. I knew that I would enjoy the class if I could focus, but I was just still too keyed up from the conversation with Pike. I needed to find something that would calm me down and hurt less than running myself to exhaustion. I was glad that Bones was a heavy sleeper, he hadn’t noticed me falling when I’d tried to stand up on wobbly legs this morning.  
  
Sitting through Interspecies Protocol was a nightmare. I honestly didn't remember much about the class, because my entire focus was on the teacher.  
  
Pike.  
  
He spoke about different species and understanding diversity, but it all went in one ear and out the other. I internally warred with my anger for the whole class, hoping he wouldn't call on me for an answer. I didn't think I’d be able to keep myself from yelling at him.  
  
  
  
Uhura and Galia invited me and Bones to lunch, and it was a good distraction. I managed to get dragged into a discussion with Uhura about 'missing words' in Klingon. In terran, 'retreat' can be a tactical retreat or a cowardly retreat, but there was no such way to say 'tactical retreat' in Klingon, their word for 'retreat' was inherently cowardly and wrong.  
  
As we left lunch, I realised exactly what I needed to re-centre myself. Galia mentioned that she was heading to basic warp theory, and I took the chance to wink at her and offer 'private' tutoring. She grinned at me, and said she’d talk to me after federation history. Bones left, and Uhura and I went to xenolinguistics. I threw myself into it as much as I could, and did the same in Federation history after.  
  
As we left Federation History, Galia slipped her arm into mine, "Warp theory is just so hard Jim. I'd love some assistance." She battered her eyelids seductively, making sure that everyone around us knew exactly what she was talking about.  
  
Uhura made a disgusted noise before I could respond, "Don’t touch any of my stuff Kirk."  
  
I waved goodbye to her and Bones and let Galia escort me to her dorm room.  
  
  
  
Sex with an Orion was wild. They were inherently a very sexually explorative species and had very few taboos around it. I explored her vibrant green body, astounded by the dozens upon dozens of soul-marks etched into her skin. I kept my mind on her soul-marks, not on any lightning bolts, and spent the evening focussing on giving her as much pleasure as I could. I had always enjoyed the giving of pleasure within sex more than just getting myself off. Anyone could jerk off a guy, but it took a special kind of touch and attention to give a woman a great time.  
  
As we squished together on the single dorm bed later, I revelled in the quiet within my mind.  
  
Eventually, I bid Galia a goodbye, and headed back to the dorm.  
  
I still wasn’t quite ready to face Pike, but I'd hopefully be able to at least pay attention in class tomorrow.  
  
  
  
The next morning, I found myself better able to focus on my classwork, although it may have been because of the pressure to show I belonged in Advanced Warp Theory. Regardless, Commander Tucker didn’t feel the need to speak to me after class, and I bid goodbye to Chekov and Sulu and headed to basic hand-to-hand.  
  
Luong asked everyone to warm up, then pulled me over to the side.  
  
"Did Captain Pike speak to you already?"  
  
"Yes. He said I'd help out as a TA?"  
  
Luong nodded, "If you're happy with it, I'll give you the lesson plans to run and I'll support you. You did well on Monday, I don’t think you'll need much help from me."  
  
I felt a sense of pride swell within me. "Yes ma'am."  
  
Class went well. After Luong explained that I would be leading it and to direct any questions to me, everyone followed along pretty well. Is this what it would be like Captaining a starship? Having a bunch of wide-eyed younger people looking to me for guidance? At least I would be better trained to lead than I was on Tarsus.  
  
  
  
Interspecies Protocol was better than yesterday. I actually listened to Pike, and he had good insights into interacting with different species. We continued the discussion I vaguely remembered from yesterday about different cultural taboos and the challenges of navigating them. For homework, everyone was asked to find out how different species interactions would affect their job, so I had to consider the differing methods of leadership and interactions in negotiations.  
  
  
  
The rest of the week went well, although by the end I was struggling. I certainly wasn't starting to regret pushing for three years - meaning that I didn't get any spares - but having Quantum Chemistry at 1500 on a Friday afternoon after a week of classes was cruel.  
  
I pushed through it, and after swinging by the mess hall, I just had the presence of mind to set an alarm for my morning meeting before crashing into my bed.  
  
  
  
Sitting down opposite Pike at 0900, I decided to cut the to the chase.  
  
"You never explained to me what you meant by 'not the love he needed'. And don't tell me it’s because you were both guys, it’s the 23rd Century."  
  
Pike sighed at me, "I'm asexual. And he very much wasn't."  
  
I sat back in my chair, "That's not what I expected. Sir."  
  
Pike laughed, "If we're talking about my sexuality towards your father, I think you can drop the honorific."  
  
I cracked a smile at that. I realised, despite the unexpected connection between Pike and me, I did actually like the older man.  
  
"I loved your father, but I loved him enough to know that he was better off with your mother."  
  
Pike stood up and went to the replicator. "Coffee, black. Do you want anything, Jim?"  
  
I shook my head, "I don't drink coffee. Makes me hyper."  
  
Pike grabbed his coffee and moved back to his seat, "I have a hard time believing you could be more hyper. I've seen you around campus. If you got any more hyper, you'd take flight."  
  
"That's why I avoid it."  
  
"So, how did you go on Thursday helping with hand-to-hand?"  
  
We spent the next twenty minutes discussing my classes. I told him about the fun I’d had teaching hand-to-hand, the excitement of basic piloting, transporter theory and xenolinguistics, and the new friends I'd met in advanced warp theory. I even decided to share my awkwardness in quantum chemistry being the lowest class cadet by far.  
  
Pike nodded along, offering advice when needed. It was good to just open up, and I realised I had almost forgotten the anger I had felt at him only four days ago.  
  
It was odd, too. I felt like I had done this before with Pike, spoken to him about my problems and had the kind man offer a smile and a nod. Jesus, I did have daddy issues.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I read a really awesome fic about Pike being asexual and homoromatic, so i decided to include it in this story. 
> 
> Tune in for the next chapter, where Bones gets to do his basic piloting class! It will be fine! What could go wrong :P
> 
> CW/TW: Non-graphic casual sex scene


	10. Phobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.08.04 - 2256.08.11
> 
> Everything is fine. No problems here. Nuh uh. Why would there be a problem? No had any piloting classes.

I knew very quickly that Tuesdays and Fridays would be my favourite days of the week. I had two lessons worth of Medical duty that I could study in while doing rounds every half hour, a spare lesson, and then Klingon anatomy and physiology. I reviewed yesterday's Andorian and Vulcan biology, and then did some of the prereading for Klingon. All in all, a good morning. Even the actual Klingon A&P class wasn’t as challenging as Andorian, despite the seemingly wildly different body type.   
  
With how the timetables worked, I'd do the reverse on Friday. It would be good to end the week able to get a start on all my assignments and homework before the weekend kicked off, and I'd be out of Starfleet Medical before all the stupid Friday night antics started up.   
  
Jim must have been having his own adventures with exotic species, because I didn't see him again until second period on Wednesday.   
  
Interspecies Protocol looked like it would be a very exciting class.   
  
I spotted Jim as soon as I walked in, sitting at the back with Uhura and an Orion woman that I remembered from Federation History, Galia?  
  
"Mornin'."  
  
"Morning Bones!"  
  
"I did not think that it was normal for terrans to be named after body parts?"  
  
Jim slung his arm around me, "Its a nickname Galia! Terrans sometimes give nicknames to each other."  
  
Uhura shook her head, "Don't listen Galia, Kirk is not representative of every terran."  
  
Everyone suddenly went quiet, and I realised our teacher must have walked in. Turning around, I saw Captain Pike.   
  
"Good morning Cadets. Welcome to interspecies protocol."  
  
Instead of lecturing from the front of the room, he grabbed a chair from one of the tables, swung it around, and straddled it backwards to face the class. In the corner of my eye, I could see Jim carefully glaring at Pike. What had happened that he was annoyed with him?   
  
"So, I know a lot of you through application profiles and academic records, but I'd love to be able to put names to faces and get to know you a bit more."  
  
He looked around the room, making eye contact with Galia, a telliarite, two denobulans and an andorian.  
  
"For those non-humans among us, heres your first piece of interspecies protocol information - terrans love to get to know each other in non-strategic surface level ways. We'll go around the room and say our name and our favourite food.  
  
Everyone seemed to share my half-confusion half-curiousity at Pike's comments. Every other class had been 'Welcome, sit down, shut up unless answering a question'. This was certainly a change.  
  
"I'll start. I'm Chris Pike, I love non-replicated fresh water.”  
  
Everyone gave a chuckle at that. He turned to the table closest to his right, and the group started reciting names and foods.  
  
Jim didn’t seem to be paying attention to what the group was saying, just staring at Pike with an intense look of annoyance and simmering anger. I poked him when it was almost his turn, and he begrudgingly spoke. 

“Jim Kirk. Vulcan Pomegranates.”  
  
“Leonard McCoy, Georgian peaches.”  
  
We continued around until it got back to Pike.   
  
"A question to all of you, who thinks that this exercise would be a problem with other species?"  
  
With a loaded question like that, I knew the answer had to be yes. Unfortunately, the involuntary head nod that accompanied my thoughts was picked up by the Captain.  
  
"Cadet McCoy. Why do you think this would be a problem?"  
  
The class swung to stare at me. Great.   
  
"Uh. You could have species who don't like to share details about themselves?"  
  
Pike nodded, "Correct. What else?"  
  
Jim seemed to forget his earlier anger at Pike, and jumped in next with a slight hand raise, speaking when Pike nodded, "In Admiral Archer's travels on the Enterprise, he mentions encountering a species, the Kreetassans, that became incredibly angry when entering the mess hall. Later, it was determined that their culture believed food consumption had a similar level of taboo that terrans reserve for sex, or Vulcans for emotion - it wasn’t something that was displayed in public. For a similar species, this would be a very awkward way to introduce oneself."  
  
Pike smiled at that, "One of the best ways to get an understanding of the different species you will encounter out in the black, and how to interact with them, is to listen to the stories told by previous travellers. Ship crew logs, many of which are declassified, are a great way to get that information. The Kreetassans are not the only species who have a more taboo relationship with food."  
  
We continued with a discussion about species' who wouldn’t understand the idea of personal interesting facts because they functioned as a subset of a wider hive and species who believed names were private and that titles were all that was needed to interact with outsiders.   
  
The discussion morphed from there into a range of other expectations of species. From the ta'al instead of the handshake, to Orion cultural expectations of intimacy and polygamy and Klingon cultural refusal to back down from a fight.   
  
When class finished, Uhura and Galia invited Jim and I to join them for lunch. About two minutes into the walk, Jim and Uhura were busy discussing the historical reasons for 'missing' words in the Klingon language, and how the limitations of the language affected federation diplomacy.   
  
"I think we're being left behind Miss Galia."  
  
She laughed, "It’s quite alright Doctor, we'll just have to find something exciting to talk about. Terrans are so interesting. Is it true that your teeth get harvested by small creatures every year and they regrow?"  
  
I turned to Galia, not sure if she was kidding. "No, that’s not true. We had two sets of teeth, one that falls out as we grow, and the others stay for life. Or until we get old. And tooth fairies are just children’s stories."  
  
"Oh." She paused for a moment, thinking, "Is it true that terrans only grow one or two soul-marks throughout their life?"  
  
I hesitated on that one, feeling the weight of Jocelyn's soul-mark on my shoulder. "Not always. Some people never get them, some people get more. I think the world record is eighteen."  
  
She shook her head, "That’s awful, to only truly love one or two people in your life."  
  
"Well, the soul-marks are only for romantic and/or sexual love. Platonic love can be just as important, especially for terrans."  
  
She smiled, "I forgot, you terrans separate your love into romantic, sexual and platonic. For Orions, love is love, there is no distinction between sex, friends and romance."  
  
"Just another interspecies difference."  
  
After lunch, Uhura and Jim headed off to xenolinguistics, Galia to basic warp theory (with Jim winking and telling her that he would love to tutor her privately), and I to Vulcan anatomy and physiology.   
  
Honestly, unless it got more complicated, this was going to be an easy-ish class. It was certainly different to terrans, but it was almost as if Vulcans had logic'd their evolution as well as their emotions. They were very logically laid out, from their pointy ears down to their hypersensitive fingers.   
  
In Federation History, we built on Monday's lesson, talking more about the forming of the Federation and how Admiral Archer had played a key role in its inception.   
  
At the end of class, Galia took Jim up on his offer to 'study'. Uhura made a disgusted noise and told Jim that he'd better not touch her stuff. Uhura went to the library to study, and I headed back to the dorm to do the same, minus young idiot cadets.   
  
Unfortunately, once I got back to the dorm, I found myself alone with my thoughts. Stuck between the fear that we would get in the simulators tomorrow in basic piloting, and that Jocelyn would never let me see my baby girl again...   
  
I muddled my way through my Andorian A&P homework, giving up when Jim crawled into the room hours later.   
  
  
  
  
Thursday's basic piloting class did not involve actually piloting anything, thank god. We talked more about the theories behind shuttle propulsion, the controls involved in piloting, the role of the pilot and co-pilot. Commander Asher told us that, depending on our results in the first few sims over the next few weeks, he would allow Cadets to attempt their shuttle flight early and test out of the class.   
  
I spent the entire class sitting as unobtrusively as possible, trying to hide in the crowd and keep myself calm. Talking about the shuttles, thinking about the fact that i was going to have to fly the (likely) very realistic simulation shuttles multiple times, and then fly a real-life shuttle into the upper atmosphere and back down, it was enough to have me sweating and breathing shallowly. I managed to avoid a full-blown panic by reminding myself that a) I wasn’t in a shuttle and b) no way in hell would I have a panic attack in front of a bunch of eighteen-year olds.   
  
  
  
  
Monday's basic piloting class ended with my throwing up in the toilets in the Starfleet Academy Shuttle bay.  
  
Honestly, everyone should just be happy that I made it to the toilets.  
  
We had started with a group of young and excited Starfleet cadets all clamouring to be the first into the simulation shuttles, while I had hung back trying not the be noticed. Everyone cycled through the shuttle, stepping in with big grins on their faces and stepping out with a mixture of triumph and disappointment.   
  
Finally, Commander Asher looked around at the class. "Is that everyone?"   
  
No one spoke up.   
  
He glanced at his PADD, "So I don’t have a Leonard McCoy?"  
  
Dammit. Of course, he was checking off the class list. I thought about staying silent, but I was sure it would come back to bite me in the ass.   
  
"Sorry, didn't hear ya." I stood up and walked over to the shuttle.   
  
"Try and pay attention cadet."  
  
We stepped into the simulation.   
  
Starfleet didn't spare any expense. It looked and felt like a real shuttle, even rocking slightly as we moved through to the cockpit.   
  
Asher indicated for me to sit in the pilot’s seat, and he sat in the co-pilot’s.   
  
"Cadet McCoy, have you ever flown a shuttle before?"  
  
I shook my head, "I'm a doctor, not a pilot."  
  
He smiled at that, "I am aware, but do keep in mind that if you want to advance into most command positions aboard a starship, you need your flight certificate."  
  
"That’s why I’m here."  
  
He nodded at me and pointed to the controls. "Alright, you’re gonna put your foot into the right-hand pedal, and press that button to start up the shuttle."  
  
I took a deep breath. This would be fine. Just a simulation. I pressed in my foot, and my finger slipped in sweat as I pressed in the button.   
  
The engine started up. It felt real.   
  
I saw Cadet Gallen, who had ended up needing surgery to fix the compression fractures he'd sustained in his legs and pelvis from falling out of a shuttle. I thought about the young woman in Atlanta who had died after her shuttle decompressed at 30 000 metres.   
  
I felt my breathing begin to quicken. From a distance, I could hear a tinny voice calling out to me.   
  
"cadet? Take a deep breath. Calm down"  
  
The explosion five years ago that had killed fourteen people, spreading their body parts from Bundaberg to Sydney.   
  
"McCoy! Leonard!"  
  
Joanna, having to hear that her father had died.   
  
I felt a slap at my face, and I came back to myself, head bowed forward, breathing in short and sharp bursts while tears streamed down my face. The shuttle was silent, and Asher had one hand on my back rubbing circles, the other waiting to see if I needed another slap.   
  
I didn’t, but the roiling in my stomach told me I had about ten seconds before the mornings' cereal came back up.   
  
Fuck.  
  
I bolted from the simulation shuttle, pushed past the remaining cadets, and ran into the toilets in time to vomit most of my internal organs in the cubicle.   
  
Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.   
  
Last time I’d been in a shuttle, at least I’d been drunk enough to remain somewhat calm. Maybe that was what I needed to do to pass the class. Just come to class after downing a fifth of bourbon.   
  
That wouldn't look bad on my academic record at all.   
  
After a few minutes of deep breathing while sitting on the floor of the cubicle, I took stock of my heart rate, breathing, and trembling hands. They were all still higher than I would have liked, but I couldn’t remain cooped up in here forever. I had probably lost a decent chunk of lunch, then I had interspecies protocol, a class I actually liked. Hopefully Mr Observant Jim wouldn’t notice that I looked like I’d been crying like a twelve-year-old who'd just been dumped.  
  
"Cadet McCoy?" Asher called out into the toilets.   
  
I thought about ignoring him, but I got the feeling he could see me sitting on the floor.   
  
I stood up and stepped out of the cubicle, "Yeah."   
  
He pointed at the sink, "You might want to clean up your face, Cadet."  
  
I started to wash my face, rinsing the chyme from my mouth while I was at it.   
  
"So, aviophobia?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"So, it’s when you’re in any shuttle, not just piloting?"  
  
I nodded again.  
  
"What about Starships?"  
  
"I dunno. Never been on one. Can’t imagine it'd be any different."  
  
Asher looked at me for a moment, incredulous, "You do realise that Starfleet operates in space, right?"  
  
"I'm damn well aware. Sir." I added the last bit as he raised his eyes at my tone. "I didn't have a lot of options before joining Starfleet. And I've got three years to manage my phobia."  
  
He nodded. "I would recommend you drop this class McCoy. It will look better on your record than a fail. I also recommend that you find someone to tutor you in piloting before you retake this class. There are plenty of cadets who would be happy to help you in exchange for help in classes like basic first aid."  
  
"Thank you, sir. I'll have a chat to my academic advisor."  
  
He left, and I turned to look at myself in the mirror. My eyes were bloodshot, but my heartbeat and breathing had slowed down.   
  
To my biggest annoyance, my hands continued to tremble minutely. I lifted up my hand, watching the small tremble. What an amazing surgeon I was, I couldn't even get my hands to stay steady. No wonder Joanna wouldn’t talk to me, no wonder Jocelyn was divorcing me.   
  
No wonder I'd killed my daddy.   



	11. Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.09.02 - 2256.09.14
> 
> Jim overhears a depressing conversation and Bones has a depressing time.

Once I got into the groove of things, attending class from 0730 until 1730 Monday to Friday with no spares and an hour for lunch wasn't the worst thing. 

For one, after the first progress test results were posted for Quantum Chemistry, people stopped looking at me like I didn't belong. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I was in the top third of the class, and certainly happier to have all the results public than the four people who were failing. It had been a nightmare doing as well as I had though, the class was certainly one of the harder ones. 

Advanced Warp theory was one of my favourite classes. In week three, Chekov and Sulu didn't hesitate to tack me onto their friendship as the third group member required for the assignment. We had learned that we worked well together, Chekov's excitement and maths brain, Sulu's levelheadedness and knowledge of flight mechanics, and my own wild ideas and widespread general knowledge. 

I didn't spend as much time as I would have liked to with my new roommate, the southern doctor seemed to be disinterested in everything except shuffling from one class to another. 

I tried to engage with him though. He never told me what was making him unhappy - no matter how much I prodded - so I made sure to do my best to try and cheer him up. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn’t. I remembered a holo remake of a 20th century TV show that Sam and I had watched on Tarsus. No matter what the bear, rabbit and pig did, the donkey was still sad. But they never gave up, and the donkey took the pieces of happiness where he could. Until Bones trusted me enough to tell me what was going on, I'd damn well do the best I could to cheer him up. 

2256.09.02

I awoke early to voices. 

Bones was talking to ... A child?

I cracked open my eyes and saw him sitting at his desk. The girl on the PADD's video chat was the same as the holo he had propped up on his desk. 

" - been going with hockey?"

"Really good! I scored two goals last game!"

"That's awesome JoJo!"

I may not have been able to see Bones' face, but I could hear the love in his voice. 

"We've only gotta win one more game and then we get to go to the finals," she paused for a moment, her expression dropping as she continued, "Daddy, do you think you could come and watch the finals?"

"I - I don’t know JoJo. I'll see what I can do."

A distant voice came from through the PADD, "Who are you speaking to dear?"

"JoJo, did you not tell your mama that you called me?"

JoJo pouted, "She told me I'm not allowed to call you."

Bones sighed, "Put mama on darlin', and go get ready for school. Love you JoJo."

"Love you daddy!"

The PADD got passed to a stern looking woman. "Yes Leonard?"

Ouch. Whatever had happened between them, the ex-wife was not happy at all. Which, given the whole 'not allowed to call your daddy' was pretty clear.

"Hey Joce. When's this final that she's talking about. I can talk to Starfleet about gettin' a shuttle down - "

Joce interrupted, and the 'not happy' descended into anger, "Oh, now you have time for your family? Now you can spend time with Joanna?"

"Joce, thats not fair."

"Not fair? Not _fair_? Was it fair when our daughter would refuse to eat dinner until her daddy came home, waiting for hours until you stumbled through the door? Was it fair when I had to keep making excuses as to why you spent days holed up at the hospital without even answering her or my messages?"

Bones ran his fingers roughly through his hair, sighing exasperatedly. "He was dying Jocelyn. I had to try and save him."

She laughed cruelly at that, "And you didn't even succeed at that. A failure of a son, a failure of a father. No, you won’t be coming to visit Joanna."

"Joce, please. What about Thanksgiving? I get the Friday off too, I could come down and spend a few days with her - "

"You left Leonard, long before I packed your bags. Stay in San Francisco." the screen went black as she cut the transmission. 

Holy fuck. She was a bitch. It was hard to tell if Bones had really messed up, or if he was just accepting the blame. Both seemed reasonable. Either way, this sucked. 

I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly smothered it as Bones began to quietly cry. 

I flickered indecisively between wanting to offer support and letting him move through his problems himself. This was obviously the problem he'd been dealing with for the last four weeks, but the fact he hadn’t told me meant that he didn’t want me to know. My indecision solved itself when my morning alarm went off. Bones quickly rubbed at his face and got up to get dressed. 

I turned off the alarm and faked waking up. "Morning Bones."

He grunted back at me. 

I needed to do something about this. 

Evidently Bitch McCoy wasn't letting Bones' daughter talk to him, so I just needed to fix that. 

Step one, get into Bones' PADD. I knew he'd notice if his PADD went missing, so I needed to figure out how to take it without him noticing. 

I cornered Galia after Interspecies Protocol on the way to lunch. I made sure to let Uhura and Bones go ahead so they wouldn't overhear.

"Heeeeeey Galia."

She grinned and accepted the arm I threw over her shoulder, "Hey Jim! Do you want to do more 'studying'?"

"Well, sort of. Well, actually. No."

She pouted at that, "Then what's up?"

"I'm trying to run a program through my PADD that lets me remote access one of my group-mates from Advanced Warp Theory, but the Academy firewall keeps blocking it. When I spoke to admin, they said something about 'security problems' and 'no'."

Galia rolled her eyes, "And why should I help you Jim? I could get in trouble!"

I mock-sighed, "If you don’t think you can do it..."

She scowled at me, "Give me the PADD."

We ate while she poked around at my PADD, and half an hour later it was ready. 

"All you'll need to do is activate the program and accept it on the other PADD."

I gave Galia a massive hug. 

"Thanks Galia!"

I spent the rest of the day almost bouncing, ready for tonight when I would be able to grab Bones' PADD without him noticing.

He went to sleep at nine, and I stayed up for another hour to make sure he was actually out. Then I grabbed the PADD, tapped his thumb against the sensor to unlock it, and linked it to my PADD with Galia's program. 

Step two: contact Joanna. 

This would be the hardest part. If Joanna shared a PADD, then I had to send the message in such a way that she would see it and Bitch McCoy wouldn't. 

Avoiding Starfleet's security was beyond my abilities, but coding an app wasn't. I created a horse game - kids loved horses right - and built a facial recognition program into it. Using the holo of Joanna, I taught the program to flash with a 'daddy loves you, call when mama isn't around' when it only picked up her face. 

Civilian security programs were also a lot easier to hack than Starfleet’s, and I ran through the number Joanna had called from to remote install the app. With any luck, she was a curious girl who would see the app and start playing the game. With some more luck, she wouldn't narc to her mom.

Step three: wait

I continued to be there for Bones, but his earlier sullenness had become a short anger. It was hard, and I felt like spilling the fact that I knew what had happened a few times, but I held on. Hopefully, my plan would come together soon, and I didn't want to tell him that I had overheard his conversation. He would tell me when he was ready. 

2256.09.13

There ain't no rest for the wicked. Saturday afternoons had become time for Sulu, Chekov and I to work on our warp theory assignment. With Saturday morning my weekly meetings with Pike, it only gave me a few hours between to study for other classes. 

I was analysing Quantum Chemistry equations when Bones' PADD suddenly went off, ringing. 

Curious bastard that I was, I moved over to look at it. 

_Joanna McCoy calling. _

Oh dammit. And Bones had picked up a clinic shift today because of the Andorian Shingles going around - he wouldn't be able to answer it on his comm while working. 

I made a snap decision and flicked the _call accept_ button. 

Joanna appeared on the screen, a spitting image of her annoyed father. 

"Daddy, I got your messa - " She stopped when she saw me, "You're not my daddy!"

"Sorry Joanna, your daddy had to go help some people." I remembered Jocelyn's comments about Bones' time working at the hospital instead of being with his family, and I decided to err on the side of caution.

She crossed her arms across her chest and scowled at me. There were no questions about which side of the family she had inherited her scowl from, it was a spitting image of Bones. "But I want to talk to him! And mama is only gone for twenty minutes! She says daddy has been bad, and that he doesn't love me, and I shouldn't try and talk to him. But daddy is a good man, he's a doctor. Grand-poppy agrees with mama, but nana says that its more com-plex than that, and that daddy will always love me."

Wow, that was a lot to unpack. And I thought I had family issues. 

"Joanna, I guarantee that your daddy loves you more than anything in the world." 

I turned the PADD around, showing Bones' desk.

"See, he's got a holo of you right here, so he can see you as often as he can."

She frowned. "Adults are stupid."

I nodded at that. Dammit, the message had worked, but Bones wasn't here! I could run to the medical centre? But that would take me fifteen minutes. Computer skills had gotten me into this mess, I had an idea. "I might be able to help you say hello to your daddy though."

The academy had a comm line for Starfleet medical, so you could talk to the doctor on duty and see if you needed to come in. 

I minimised the call with Joanna and clicked through to the comm line. It rang for a moment, and I was greeted by a dark-skinned doctor. 

"Doctor M'benga, how can I help Cadet?"

"Hey Doctor, I was wondering if Doctor McCoy was available."

"This isn't a social call line Cadet - "

"I have his daughter to speak to him."

His tone changed at that, "Oh thank god. Give me a moment." He stood up and left the room, returning a minute later with Bones. 

"Dammit Jim, what did you do." He sighed and sat down.

Instead of answering, I connected Joanna into the call. I stayed long enough to hear Bones' gasp of "JoJo!", before I dropped out. I figured privacy was more important than my curiosity. 

I felt a sense of pride. Hopefully Bones would get some happiness out of this. 

A few hours later, Sulu and Chekov came over, and we sprawled around the room to work on our Advanced Warp Theory capstone. We were all excited to one-up the first- and second- year cadets, so we were putting as much work as we could into it. It was fun to debate ideas about nacelle diameter and antimatter injection with them, and we got a decent chunk of the scale core planning done. 

It was as Chekov was trying to explain that antimatter had been invented in Russia, that Bones burst through the door. Ignoring the other two, he strode in and grabbed me into a massive bear hug. 

"Thank you so much Jim. You don't know how much this means to me."

I chose to ignore the wet tracks of tears at my cheek. At this point, I couldn't tell if they were mine or Bones'.

I hugged back, "Its nothing Bones."

He leaned back to look me in the eye, "Its everything Jim."

I felt an aching in my chest and a sudden violent itching in my arm. Damn, he must have brushed up against something I was allergic to, and gotten to onto me with the hug. Before I could pull back Bones suddenly seemed to realise we weren't alone in the room. 

He stepped back from me, "Oh hey guys. Sorry for interrupting."

"It is fine Doktor. We are just talking about Russian inventions."

I recovered quickly, "We were actually just thinking about heading into San Francisco for dinner. Did you want to tag along?"

Bones let out a small smile, and I realised how wrong I had been to initially think that his earlier sullenness was just Bones being Bones. He was always dour, but it was the secret little smiles like that, the softening of his eyes, that made me see how much he had been hurting inside over the last month. It was easy how much it had worn on him once it was gone. 

"I'd love to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so close to actually finishing this fic (But not the story, this will be a series). Maybe 2000 more words i need to write and I am done. (Still 12k more to post though)
> 
> The chapters will continue to be uploaded on a 3-4 day basis though, with the final chapter in the first few days of January. (Edit: if I managed to get the final chapters done soon, then I will to release the rest of the chapters sooner so this fix is finished before Christmas)


	12. Though My Soul May Set In Darkness, It Will Rise In Perfect Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2256.09.02 - 2256.09.14
> 
> Some of the fallout from Bones' piloting class, and Bones' side of 'Bitch'.
> 
> feat. Some More Jim/Bones friendship growth :D

Boyce apologised when I spoke to him after the disastrous Basic Piloting class.  
  
"I'm sorry McCoy. If I'd known how bad your phobia was - "  
  
"Don't worry about it." I interrupted, done with the conversation, "Just drop me from the class."  
  
  
  
On the bright side, I could now sleep in on Monday mornings. On the dark side, I was still plagued by my failures. Starfleet was supposed to be a new world of possibilities where I was just the clever and talented Doctor McCoy. Unfortunately, the absent father, patricide committing, failure of a human kept surfacing. I was a failure here too. I tried to contact Joanna, but her comm was blocked. I felt myself sink into the edge of hopelessness and blank productiveness that had settled on me when my daddy had gotten his diagnosis. I existed within my work, and nowhere else.  
  
Most people seemed to think this was an extension of my general depressed attitude, so it was easy to hide. Jim however, seemed to pick-up on it. He insisted on trying to engage me in conversation or making sure I was invited to different activities with him and his new friends. When I declined, he just grinned and told me that the invitation was always open.  
  
It was part infuriating, and part endearing. I was trying to wallow in my misery, and he was refusing to let me. No matter how much I tried to push him away, he kept coming back. I hurt everything and everyone I touched, but he wouldn't let me protect him from that.  
  
  
  
The next few weeks continued in that way, pushing through classes, pushing through clinic shifts, pushing through Jim's attempts to cheer me up - if he knew what I’d done, what kind of man I was, he wouldn’t be trying to cheer me up - and just existed at the academy.  
  
The call from Joanna in early September was the worst. I felt my spirits raise as she chatted to me about her game, maybe I could be a good father to her?  
  
Jocelyn dashed those hopes. I could feel an ache in my chest and in my ever-fading soul mark. It was worse, somehow, to have gotten that brief spark of hope and to then have to return to misery.  
  
  
  
2256.09.12  
  
I had just arrived at my morning Klingon Anatomy and Physiology class when my PADD lit up with a call from Starfleet Medical.  
  
"McCoy."  
  
"It's Boyce. McCoy, I hate to pull you out of class, but we've got an isolated outbreak of Andorian Shingles. San Fran general has asked for us to help manage it, so it doesn't spread among the city. Can you get to Medical ASAP?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
I spoke to my teacher, and she wished me luck and sent me off.  
  
  
  
Andorian Shingles was no sniffle. I donned a biohazard suit and set to helping Boyce with triage and treatment. It was mind-numbing and gruelling work, but at least I was helping. My new-found knowledge of non-human species also helped me stay on top of some of the patients, although there were still times I had to call upon M'benga, Boyce, or one of the other doctors to assist.  
  
By evening, everyone was exhausted. Instead of going home, we drew lots for sleeping shifts in the staff room. At around 5am, after a decon shower, I made it to bed.  
  
  
  
The next morning was looking better. No new cases were being reported, and at eleven Boyce declared the outbreak sustained. He sent a few of the other Doctors home, and left M'benga and I to watch over the remaining patients while he liaised with Starfleet, promising to return in a few hours so that I could go back to my dorm.  
  
I was halfway through rotations when the Academy Cadet advice line rang. M'benga was in the staff room, he could answer it. A moment later, he stuck his head out the door.  
  
"It's for you McCoy. I'll finish your rotations."  
  
Goddamn it.  
  
I got to the screen and saw Jim. I sighed, sitting down, "Dammit Jim, what did you do."  
  
Suddenly, the screen split into a conference call, with Jim's face shifting to the left and on the right was -  
  
"JoJo!"  
  
I barely registered as Jim's face disappeared from the call, my entire focus was on Joanna's bright smile.  
  
"Daddy!"  
  
"How are you doing darlin'?"  
  
Her face fell at that. "I don't get to see you daddy. I got your message that you love me, but Mama said you don't love me anymore."  
  
I pushed down the rage that bubbled at that. I could deal with Jocelyn later. And what message? My comm number had been blocked from calling Joanna. Those were later questions, for now, I needed to concentrate on my baby girl.  
  
"Of course I love you JoJo. I will always love you, you’re my baby girl."  
  
"I'm not a baby." Her response was an automatic one. It was something that Jocelyn had never understood. She only saw me calling JoJo a baby and her responding with 'I'm not a baby', and the fact that I kept calling JoJo my baby girl was just proof that I was inconsiderate. In reality, the smile that Joanna gave me as she responded reminded me that she liked our playful banter. As if I would ever be inconsiderate to JoJo.  
  
"How did your hockey game go?"  
  
We spoke for a while, JoJo telling me about her hockey game (they'd made it to the finals but lost) her school (she was enjoying maths with letters) and the neighbours that had moved in next door (they had a sehlat that mama said she couldn't go near).  
  
  
A comm next to Joanna suddenly vibrated, and she cut off her explanation of the reasons sehlats were superior to boring cats.  
  
"Sorry daddy, I've gotta go. Mama will be home soon."  
  
I grit my teeth. "Of course darlin'. I'll talk to you later?"  
  
"Yes daddy!" She planted a kiss on the screen, "Love you!"  
  
I responded in kind, "Love you baby girl."  
  
She smiled back, and then cut the comm.  
  
I sat back in my chair, and the let the tears that had been building up for the last twenty minutes flow out. Jocelyn had told JoJo that I didn’t love her? What else had she said? At least JoJo was clever enough to realise that her daddy did love her.  
  
And what message had she received? I realised that, given Jim had answered my PADD and gotten Joanna onto me, he was likely the culprit.  
  
I ignored the warmth in my chest and focussed on the two important things. How had he known what had happened with Joanna, and why did he help?  
  
  
  
I spent the next few hours contemplating that and headed back to the dorm once Boyce and Maer returned to cover for M'benga and myself.  
  
It was as I was walking up the stairs to the dorm that I realised it didn’t matter. Whyever and however Jim had known and helped me, the fact was that he had done it. I thought of the smile on Joanna's face, and the sweet sound of 'I love you daddy' that I had been worried I'd never hear again.  


I took the rest of the stairs two at a time and swung open the door to the dorm. Jim and his warp theory friends looked up, but Jim was the only one I cared about. I strode in and grabbed the kid in a hug.  
  
"Thank you so much Jim. You don't know how much this means to me."  
  
In front of Joanna, I'd kept my tears inside, but I didn’t bother with Jim. They flowed wetly as I hugged him.  
  
I could've sworn I felt a wetness where his face was tucked onto my shoulder, "Its nothing Bones."  
  
I leaned back to look Jim in the eye, "Its everything Jim." I needed him to know how important this was.  
  
I suddenly remembered we weren't alone in the room, and Jim's warp theory friends - Chocky and Sauté? - were staring at us.  
  
I stepped back quickly. "Oh hey guys. Sorry for interrupting."  
  
"It is fine Doktor. We are just talking about Russian inventions."  
  
Jim grinned at me, "We were actually just thinking about heading into San Francisco for dinner. Did you want to tag along?"  
  
I let out a smile. Jim had spent the last few weeks trying to help me, being there for me as the good friend he was, and I'd been sulking. The pain from what Jocelyn was doing, missing Joanna, and the loss of my daddy were hard, but I couldn't wallow in it.  
  
"I'd love to."  
  
  
  
After dinner with _Chekov_ and _Sulu_, Jim and I decided to go hit up a few bars. Chekov tried to convince us that he could come with, but Sulu took him back to the academy.  
  
We went to Jackson's Bar, the one we'd gone to after orientation all those weeks ago and took a spot at the back. Jackson seemed to remember and brought us bourbon with a quick 'your drinks are on the house cadets'.  
  
We sat in silence for a while, drinking companionably.  
  
After a while, I decided to speak up. I owed Jim an explanation.  
  
"She told Joanna that I didn't love her."  
  
"She sounds like a bit of a bitch."  
  
I laughed bitterly, "She didn't used to be. She used to be the best thing that happened to me. But you know what they say. Love is blind."  
  
I called for another round of drinks. I needed to be more drunk to do this.  
  
"She wants a divorce, and I can’t blame her. I wasn’t the best husband. My daddy got sick, and I spent all my time trying to find a cure. But even before that ... I cared about them, but I took JoJo and Joce for granted. Then again, I wasn't the one who was screwing someone in our house."  
  
Jim winced, "Ooft."  
  
I nodded, and we sat for a while.  
  
"I had a panic attack in basic piloting."  
  
"Oh Bones."  
  
"Barely even started the simulator. I just couldn't deal with it. I couldn't be a good father, couldn’t be a good husband. Couldn’t be a good son. Now I cant even be a good Starfleet cadet."  
  
Jim reached over and grabbed my arm, "Bones! You are an amazing man and a good doctor. I saw the way you lit up seeing Joanna, I've seen you helping people!"  
  
I nodded at that, letting him have it. Tonight wasn't the night to spill that I was a failure of a doctor too.  
  
"I can help you with your basic piloting! You need to do it to be my CMO."  
  
"CMO?"  
  
Jim grinned, "It's never too early for a captain to assemble his crew. You'll be my CMO. Uhura for communications, Galia for engineering, Chekov will be navigator, Sulu'll be pilot, Cupcake'll be Chief of Security."  
  
I could see it, his confident smile on the bridge, spinning around in the captain's chair and giving orders.  
  
"Jim, I can barely get in a shuttle, let alone pilot one."  
  
"I already did my basic piloting test. I'll talk to Pike about what we need to do to get into the flight sim labs, and I'll help you through it. We can do this Bones. You've got time!"  
  
His confidence was contagious, and my chest lit up warmly. With the enthusiasm he gave me, I felt it was almost achievable. "Alright Jim. See what you can make happen."  
  
Then I remembered the niggling question I’d had earlier.  
  
"How did you know about Joanna? That she couldn't call me?"  
  
"I was awake when you spoke to her last week."  
  
"Oh. But Jim, why? Why did you go to the effort of sending her a message and saying it was from me to get her to comm me?"  
  
Jim looked at me, confused. "Bones, I grew up with a father who died a hero, and a mother who could never see me beyond that sacrifice. I would have given anything to have a father half as loving as you. Joanna deserves that, and so do you. And," he picked up his glass, and held it out. I lifted mine, and we clinked in cheers, "you're my best friend Bones."  
  
I could see the vulnerability in Jim's eyes. It cost him something to say those words.  
  
"To best friends." I threw back a swallow of the bourbon, and Jim joined me, smiling.  
  
  
  
We headed back to the dorms late. Jim immediately crashed on his bed, snoring. I stood in the room, getting dressed for bed. Using my PADD as a mirror, I twisted to look at the blind man. It had been fading for the last few months, representative of the fading love I had for her. I felt the aching in my chest that I always got when thinking about my - I don't think you can have 'ex' soulmates. Some soul marks faded, but they rarely disappeared.  
  
At least I was away from her now, although I had no idea what I was going to do to get better access to Joanna. What Jim had done was so kind, he was a good man.  
  
Then I felt a warmth on my shoulder. I felt a sense of déjà vu. When my soul-mark had formed, I had felt an intense warmth for months. I didn't complain, some people were unlucky enough to feel stabbing sensations or numbness. This warmth was on the opposite shoulder to the fading blind man though.  
  
I twisted the other way, trying to get a good look at my shoulder. 

What the fuck was that?  
  
I leaned closer and looked at my shoulder. Sure enough, there was a smattering of black spread over my left deltoid.  
  
The beginnings of a soul-mark.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now, the remaining chapters will be posted every two days, with the final one being posted on Christmas Eve (AEST).
> 
> Thanks everyone for their continued comments, you're all awesome :)


	13. Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://imgflip.com/i/3jotb6)   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next one will pretty much occur right on top of each other, and tell the same events from Jim and Bones' POVs. This chapter is the second longest of the fic, and the next one is the longest.

2256.09.20

"Mornin' Chris!"

"Morning Jim."

[I sprawled myself into Pike's visitors chair](https://i.redd.it/652vn4v1b7a21.jpg). After the heart-to-heart a few weeks ago, Chris had offered to continue with the more casual form of address, at least in private. It was nice, Bones was the only one who used my first name, and even then, it wasn't often, he usually called me 'kid'.

"So, what would I need to do to be able to access the flight simulators out of class?"

Chris raised an eyebrow, "You'd need to be a commander. They're off limits to students."

"Ugh." I groaned. "What about a TA?"

"Jim, you passed your basic flight sim three weeks ago. Why do you need access to the sims?"

Bones probably wouldn't be keen with me spreading around his issues. "No reason."

"So, it wouldn't have anything to do with a certain aviophobic doctor?"

I sat up in the chair and pointed a finger mock-accusingly at Chris, "You've been spying on us!"

"No, I haven't. My connection to my soul-mate is stronger than most, and he's taken a liking to McCoy in a similar way I have to you. I’ve gotten a bit of an insight into your Doctor friend through the link."

I thought back to the shot glass opposite the lightning bolt. I was glad that Chris had someone he loved, but that sounded terrifying. It was true that some soul-mates had high empathic connections. Some people said it was about the strength of the connection, some said it was just how psy-positive the two mates were. Either way, it was another reason to avoid soul-mates. Sharing my brain space with someone else sounded horrible.

"Okay, maybe it’s about Bones. But I want to help him get through his piloting class."

"He's a damn good doctor, from what I've seen."

"He is."

"You know, TAs are also allowed to access the sims. You'd need to pass your intermediate piloting class before you could TA with a basic class."

I grinned, "I'd love to."

Chris shook his head, "Hang on Jim. You don't get as many credit points for a class if you TA it. You were already looking at potentially being short after basic hand-to-hand, but I was willing to speak on your behalf for that one. If you TA for piloting, you'll be one subject short to graduate in three years."

Dammit. Why was nothing ever easy. 

"But, every two years, we run a summer survival course. We just ran one, so between your second and third year, you can take the class. It’s four-weeks, and it's intense. But," He paused for a moment, "I get the feeling you can do it."

I nodded.

"Alright. I'll bring your advanced piloting class forward and pencil you in for a TA piloting test next semester. You're a good friend Jim."

I decided not to tell Bones about the extra class I had to take to help him. I didn't want him thinking that he was inconveniencing me. 

The next few weeks were good. I had my new best friend back, although Uhura still jokingly insisted that she couldn't tell the difference between sad Bones and happy Bones.

Classes began to ramp up towards the mid-semester break, and I quickly found myself buried under a mountain of work. I was glad that Chekov and Sulu had agreed to get an early start on our Advanced Warp Theory capstone, and that I'd taken the basic piloting test in week three, because it was two less things to worry about. 

Xenolinguistics wasn’t too bad either. I'd been a keen student on Tarsus before the whole thing went to hell, and the lessons from Radak came back to me easily. Watching Uhura stride ahead of everyone else in the class was even better. I playfully tried to one up her, but she was in a league of her own. She had a natural talent for languages, and a driven personality that meant she was advancing through the class at record speed. 

Honestly, the biggest problems I had were Quantum Chemistry, Transporter Theory and Stellar Cartography. The former two were just several steps beyond a normal man’s ability to comprehend easily, and the latter was just mind-numbingly boring. 

I pushed through the work, trying not to get buried under it all. I was glad for the mid-semester break in the second week of October. I spent the entire time just working my way through the assignments, homework, and practice exams for my subjects. I'd been starting to fall behind the readings, and the mid-sem gave me the chance to catch up. Unfortunately, the week was only a week, and I was soon swamped as we moved through the second half of semester. I kept pushing through, studying through meals and getting up early to do my pre-readings for class. 

Chris's words at the start of semester echoed in my mind. If I fucked up, I'd be pushed to five years. I couldn't fail. 

I could not fail. 

It had been going downhill for a while, but I first realised that the careful balancing act that I was running wouldn't cut it when I stayed late to talk to Commander Tucker in Advanced Warp Theory. Sulu, Chekov and I were checking a few of our assumptions about the assignment, and we ended up staying to talk to him for forty minutes of our hour lunch break. I could feel myself getting more and more antsy the longer we spoke. Rationally, I knew they weren’t trying to keep me away from the food. Rationally, I knew they were just interested in chatting about the assignment. 

When he let us go we weren’t trapped, I could have left at any time

I walked briskly to the mess hall don’t move too fast, don’t be seen

I had enough control to put the food on the plate and not straight into my mouth eat it quickly, you never know when you'll have to move

I sat outside, my back against the wall too many people inside, were they moving behind me? 

And ate the plate I'd filled to the top when will I get more food? 

Then I went back three more times, until my stomach was full to bursting. I then grabbed a fistful of protein bars and stuffed them in my pocket later food was good sometimes, can’t sleep on an empty stomach

It got worse from there. I went into town and bought boxes of MREs and muesli bars and hid them under my bed and in my bag. I was completely unable to sit with my back to anyone. Thankfully, I knew that Bones wasn’t a threat, and I didn’t have too many issues falling asleep. 

I almost punched Galia in interspecies protocol when she suddenly touched my shoulder in class, only pulling back at the last minute. Bones had tried to talk to me, but I managed to through him off after he psychoanalysed me. 

I managed to keep it a secret from everyone until a Wednesday afternoon in late October. 

2256.10.29

I was in Xenolinguistics, and we were discussing the etymology of naming conventions. I had been enjoying this class, despite the memories it dredged up. Radak had taught me many things, from warp theory to botany, but he had always enjoyed languages. Commander Barhnette continued to insist that we converse in non-native tongues during our classes, and his teaching style was different enough from Radak that I managed to separate them. 

Thankfully, Barhnette delivered his actual teaching in terran, we just had to respond in a different language. 

"Today we are going to be looking at the etymology of names. Most Terran cultural traditions place more emphasis on the heredity of the names - Johnson, Sarrisri, Mikhailovna - or on historical jobs or places - Smith, Atwood, Daubney. I would like you to work in pairs and pick a language. Find the cultural prevalence of naming within the culture or cultures of the language."

I tried to quiet the adrenaline that surged through my body as everyone suddenly started moving and talking. The cacophony was almost deafening to me, and it took a moment for me to realise that Uhura was talking to me. 

She'd learned from Galia's mistake and didn’t try and touch me. 

"Jim? Jim!"

_"Ni'droi'ik nar-tor, ra?'_ ("Sorry, What?") 

She sighed, _"Tor du aitlun tor ar'kadan teretuhr? I vesh' panahik etek kupi glazhau na' wuh vuhlkansu ba'tak t' rubai wuh uzh ahm na' yauluhk wak svi' ha'kiv."_ ("Do you want to work together? I was thinking we could look at the Vulcan practice of taking a new name at significant moments in life.")

_"Nafai, ni'droi'ik nar-tor, aishan zungor."_ ("Sure. Sorry, just a bit tired.")

She nodded, and pulled out her PADD. _"Ish-veh nam-tor ri maut tsuri, tonk'peh ein vuhlkansu tor ish-veh. Ek' vuhlkansu ahm ma yauluhk, heh au ri tor ha-tor abru tor wuh tangu t' ish-veh ahm."_ ("It isn't very common, but some Vulcans do it. All Vulcan names have important meanings, and sometimes they don't live up to the ideals of their names.")

We each began our research, compiling into a common worksheet of notes. 

Twenty minutes later, as I was reading through what Uhura had written in, I felt a cold sense of dread fill me.

>   
Radak  
Meaning: outcast/traitor  
Date: 2224.03.12  
Birth name: T’lidre  
Occupation: Teacher  
Reason: Betrayal of family, was exiled from Vulcan. Resided on Terra for a time, was part of original Tarsus IV colony.  


I felt like I had been plunged into a bucket of ice.

This couldn't be right. Radak wasn't a traitor. No. 

My hands began to tremble, and my PADD clattered onto the table. 

The din of talking in the room began to rise in volume. Snatches of words found their way into my ears: Vulcan, Andorian, Klingon, Orion, Tellarite, all of them vying for my attention. I couldn’t process them all, couldn’t sort through them enough to focus my mind. 

Radak, who taught me so much. Radak who saved me, Sam and the other kids from Kodos. 

"Jim?"

Radak, who taught me to sneak through the brush and test if food was poisonous. 

Radak, who taught me how to make a shelter that was almost invisible. 

"Jim, Mokuhlek du zhu-tor?"

Radak, who went into the colony to get us food, and never came back. 

"Jim, can you hear me?"

Radak, who's head was on a pike at the entrance to the colony, unmistakable with his pointed ears and expressionless face. 

There were too many people around. Too much noise. Couldn’t they feel that something was wrong? The way the governor had said 'we will ensure there is enough food to go around to those who need it'. The way we were being herded into the town square and _there were too many voices_.

"Jim, you need to calm down."

I couldn’t calm down. I couldn’t do this. 

They were coming. Over the din, I could hear the charging of phaser weapons. I had to run.

I had to run. 

I moved quickly, thankfully I'd had the foresight to sit next to the door of the room, and I slid out of my seat and through it. 

Where to go? Where was safe?

A flash of hazel eyes. I knew where was safe. I didn’t know where Bones would be now, but I knew where he would be later. I headed there quickly and quietly.

I looked around the dorm, trying to figure out where best to hide. My bed? No, they'd expect me to be under my bed. I crawled underneath Bones' bed. They'd look under my bed, and then I'd be able to jump out and get them. A perfect plan. 

I don't know how long I laid under the bed, breathing in short shallow breaths and fighting the trembling in my body. 

I would wait until class was over, and Bones would huddle under the bed with me and I would share my rations and we would be _safe_.

The door to the dorm opened, and a rush of adrenaline flooded into me so fast that I felt dizzy.

"Jim?"

Was that Bones? How would I even tell? 

"Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a search and rescue team!"

Yes, that was Bones. I started to move to come out, but then I froze, a heart-stopping thought. 

What if Bones was on _their_ side? It was possible. Mr and Mrs Alderas had been on their side, Sam's teacher had been on their side, the baker's wife had been on their side. I had seen them all at the start, looking away as they slaughtered everyone. 

Then I remembered how Radak had found us in the forest and offered us some of his food. How he had taught us how to test food (rub against your lips, wait, eat a little, wait), how to get clean water (running and clear), how to build a shelter (windbreaks protected the fire). I had always trusted Radak, and he had never betrayed the trust. 

Until he promised to come back from sneaking food from the colony, and he had never come back. 

I remember seeing his head hanging from the gates of the colony, unmistakable with its pointed ears despite the months it had hung there and rotted. I had stopped and watched as a woman from Starfleet took it down and placed it delicately in a bag marked _Vulcan_. 

"He's not here Uhura. I don't wanna go speak to Pike. Jim'll just get in trouble."

"If he doesn’t turn up at class tomorrow, he'll get in trouble anyway! Pike definitely will not buy my excuse in Fed History for you both not being there."

I had trusted Sam because he was my brother, but I had trusted Radak because he had showed me endless kindness. 

So had Bones. I rolled out from under the bed, and Bones jumped, "Jesus kid! Don't scare me like that!"

"I'll assume you found him, Doctor. Please pass along my best wishes."

There was a click as the PADD disconnected. I sat up, leaning against Bones' bed. 

Bones looked haggard, face pale and drawn. He slid down from where he had been sitting on my bed so that we were sitting across from each other. 

"You alright Jim?"

I started to nod, and then thought better of it. "Not really."

"I thought so. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"That’s fair."

Bones stood up slowly and began to rifle through the bottom of his desk. After a moment, he pulled out a third full bottle of bourbon. He sat back down, cracked the lid, and took a sip before passing it over. 

I took the bottle and took my own sip. 

We sat there, facing each other in silence and passing the bottle back and forth for a while. 

"I uhh, had something bad happen when I was younger."

Bones nodded but didn’t say anything.

"My neighbours, my aunt and uncle, my-my teacher, ... My brother. They all died."

I took a gulp of the bourbon. 

"Sammy, Radak, Aunty and Uncle, they all thought I could do amazing things, said that I was so clever. But I wasn’t clever enough to save any of them. And now I can’t even get through these stupid classes. If I were so clever, I'd be fine."

Bones reached out slowly and gently placed his hand on my leg. 

"Jim, you are clever. You don’t need to be perfect, no one is. All you can do is your best. That’s what they would have wanted for you, is for you to do your best."

I looked Bones in the eye, trying to find the lie, trying to figure out why he was deceiving me, but I couldn't find it. 

Bones moved forward, taking his time and telegraphing his every movement. He pivoted so he was sitting next to me instead of across from me, and then gently pulled me into a side hug. The warmth from his body seeped into my arm and side, and I ignored the sudden itch in the limb. Now was not the time for an allergic reaction to something that Bones had on his jacket. 

Emotions welled up in me, and I couldn’t deal with the loved and kindness on top of the pain and fear. Tears flowed, and I buried my face in Bones' shoulder. 

We sat like that for a while before Bones spoke. 

"I think you should talk to Pike. Tell him that you're under a bit of stress."

I grunted an unconvincing no.

"He won’t judge you Jim. He's a good man."

"Will you come with me?"

Bones squeezed me tighter into his chest, "Of course kid."

I must have fallen asleep, because a moment later Bones was shaking me awake as the dawn light shone into the dorm room. I seemed to have teleported to my bed, my boots and outer uniform stacked neatly at the end of my bed. Or Bones had moved me after I'd fallen asleep. 

"Come on Jim. Breakfast and then we've got a meeting with Pike."

I felt drained. I hadn't told Bones everything, but I'd told him more than I'd ever told anyone else. We got dressed, grabbed some food from the mess hall, and then headed up to Pike's office. It was still early and there weren’t too many people around. Pike's door was open when we arrived, and Bones led me straight in. 

"Morning Cadets. How are you doing Jim?"

I shrugged, "Fine."

Bones and I sat in front of Chris' desk. 

"Don't lie to me son. Do you want to tell me why you didn't come to class yesterday afternoon?" His words were accusatory, but his tone was kind. 

I sighed and glanced at Bones. He smiled and gave me a 'You should tell him' look. 

Ugh. 

"I've been having some trouble keeping up with my work."

Chris nodded, "I'm not surprised. You're taking a full load with a good mix of advanced classes."

"Yeah, well I keep falling behind, and I'm worried that I'll fail them and have to do five years and then I'll have failed my brother and my family and -"

I hadn’t realised how much I'd started gasping as I spoke until Bones rubbed a hand on my shoulder. Dammit, was he using a new soap that I was allergic to? Despite the itching, it calmed me down.

"It's just been a bit overwhelming."

Chris typed something up on his console, "I am not allowed to show students the notes from their teachers. It's supposed to be private." He turned the monitor around, and I saw ten sets of comments dated from the mid-sem, "But there's nothing stopping me from examining the comments while I speak with a Cadet."

I read Chris' comment first, halfway down the list. "Cadet Kirk is a quick learner and constructive member of the class. He has unexpected views on many topics, and brings a varied perspective in any debate he engages in."

Tucker's was next, "While initially worried that Cadet Kirk would fall behind in class, I now worry that I will run out of things to teach him and his two group-mates. I have as-yet been unable to sway him into switching to Engineering Track."

Luong had praised my teaching skills, and the way that I engaged with the shyer and smaller Cadets. Even my Quantum Mechanics teacher commented on my efforts to understand the content and that I was 'doing better than could be expected for any command track, let alone a fourth class one'.

I looked back at Chris after reading the comments. "Is this real?"

He nodded, "I understand that anxiety isn’t rational, and that you've had a lot of pressures in your life that have made you question yourself, but you are doing well. If you are happy with it, I will have a chat to a few of your teachers about getting extensions for your assignments and exams."

"I don’t want any - " I was cut off as Bones shoved his hand over my mouth. 

"Thank you, Captain Pike. Jim would love to have some assistance, because he is an intelligent idiot who has yet to learn the power of accepting help."

I licked Bones' hand, but he kept it in place. Damn Doctors, he probably dealt with worse on a daily basis. 

"Of course, Doctor McCoy. And I am sure that you will accept help when you require it for your piloting class."

Bones scowled at that but nodded. 

"Well Cadets, it’s been good to talk with you, but I believed you both have class soon."

Bones removed his hand, wiping it on my shoulder as we stood up. 

"Thank you Chris."

We stepped outside, and I punched Bones in the shoulder gently. "Thanks Bones."

He grinned at me. "Don't mention it kid."

Things didn't get magically better over the next few weeks leading up to exams, but I let myself have some downtime in between all the stressing. Bones gave me his notes from interspecies protocol and federation history, and Uhura gave me her notes from xenolinguistics. Chekov gave me an entire PADD that was his notes from last year for Transporter theory and Quantum Chemistry, and then Sulu gave me his notes from those classes that were in English, because Chekov took notes in Russian, but Sulu didn't usually take his in Korean. 

None of them mentioned why they were helping me, or who had told them that I needed help, but I was thankful nonetheless. Bones kept bringing me food and water, and even when he got called into Starfleet Medical for another Andorian Shingles outbreak on the weekend before exams started, he left a pile of Vulcan pomegranates under a note that said 'You got this kid'.

The itch in my arm had started to become more pronounced and was beginning to become constant instead of the intermittent it had started. I was so close to the end of semester, and I had just managed to balance my stress and study, so I decided to ignore it. 

Things go away when you ignore them, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good News: i have officially finished writing this fic, and both outlined and started on the next one in the series.  
Bad News: A gun in Critical Role  
Worse News: You dont get the fic any faster than a chapter every two days. Sorry.


	14. Friends.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The other side of "Friends?"
> 
> Much of the chapter is similar, but is just told from Bones' POV. This is the longest chapter in the series at 4173 words, and the final 'real' chapter before I wrap up the semester with two epilouges.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theres some references to Discovery, but not in any way that is obvious, so they're not really spoilers. (and yes, I am aware that Disco happened in the prime universe, but shhh, i just really like it okay. Sonequa Martin-Green as Michael Burnham is just so damn good and I love her. Also Anson Mount has overtaken Bruce Greenwood in the 'best Chris Pike' competition)

Never let it be said that the McCoy's faced their problems. 

Between the cold temperatures and the long-sleeved cadet and medical uniforms, I almost managed to ignore the warmth in my arm. I made sure to get dressed quickly when I got changed, and to keep my eyes from straying to my totally normal arm that there was no soul-mark growing on. Nope. Denial? Don't know her. 

Every few days, I got a message from JoJo. Sometimes it was pictures of her doing something - riding a horse, practicing hockey, holding up a drawing - and sometimes it was just chatting. A few times, she called me, and we got to talk face to face for a while. It wasn’t as good as having her in my arms, but it was better than what had happened before. Every time I got a message, I felt a surge of joy at being able to see her, and then a surge of warmth in my chest and arm as I thought about the individual responsible for allowing me to contact JoJo. It was enough that I ignored the issues that would come when Joce eventually realised what Joanna was doing. I knew I had to deal with the whole situation soon, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I would deal with it later. 

For the next few weeks, I managed to distract myself with classes and clinic duty. Andorian anatomy was still an absolute _bitch_, but I was starting to understand the mechanisms behind it. Klingon anatomy was much the same, and Vulcan was honestly not that bad. There was a low but steady stream of Andorian Shingles cases coming in from San Fran general, Starfleet had reached an agreement that Starfleet Medical would take all cases, as we were better equipped to isolate patients. Boyce called me in on the weekend on more than one occasion, and pulled me out of class a few times. I would have been annoyed if it hadn't been a good excuse to keep me thinking about anything except the growing warmth in my arm. 

As such, it was a while before I noticed Jim's odd behaviour. He had always been jumpy and studious, but it began to ramp up as we got further into the term. Jim had happily told me that Pike was happy to support him TAing for basic piloting in first semester next year, and I held that panic in the back of my mind in a box marked 'deal with later'. 

It started when I dropped my PADD on the ground in our dorm. 

"Dammit."

I bent down to grab the PADD, and Jim spoke up from where he was reclining on his bed.

"Don't hurt yourself bending over old man."

"Ha ha." I grabbed the PADD and turned to glare at Jim. From my new position on the floor, I could see under his bed. Under my bed was my mostly-empty suitcase. Under Jim's bed was - ration packs? And a Costco's worth of muesli bars?

"Dammit Jim, are you preparing to wait out the end of the world in here?"

"What?"

"You've got enough food under your bed to last through world war four!"

His cheeks flushed red, and he looked away. "Uh, it’s good to be prepared, you know? And sometimes I can’t get to the mess hall to eat when I’m studying."

I let it drop, but his explanation didn’t convince me. Something was up. 

It continued over the next few weeks. 

Every time someone walked behind Jim in class, he followed them with his eyes. Every time. When we ate meals together, he would curl his arm around his plate, as if expecting someone to reach out and grab it. Even as he started to study during his lunch breaks, he still wolfed down the food. 

I tried to talk to him, but he seemed to always have an excuse. If he didn’t want to talk about it, fine, I wasn’t going to force him. But that didn’t mean I had to watch as he suffered. I left food in our room for him to eat - Vulcan pomegranate, Andorian peaches - and generally tried to support him. 

It was frustrating, and I wished he would just _talk_ to me. 

2256.10.23

We were sitting in the back of interspecies protocol when I got another insight into how badly he was doing. 

Jim, Uhura and I were sitting at the table, listening to Pike talk about the time he had thought an alien was hacking their UT, but it turned out to be a data dump (and no matter how much the Cadets asked, he refused to explain who the aliens were and why they had sent a data dump, beyond that it was something to consider when the UT failed). 

Uhura was obviously paying a lot of attention, she was planning to be a comms officer so she needed a good understanding of the issues that could come up out in the black, even if this specific event had only happened once. I'd only needed one case of Varisian plague to cause me to research every plague in the known universe. 

Jim was busy writing on his PADD. By what I could see over his shoulder, it was some hard-core maths and chemistry that I wouldn’t even know where to start with. As such, he didn’t notice when Galia walked in. 

He didn’t notice when she spotted us, waved, and made her way to the back of the room. 

I should have said something, but I didn’t think about it until it was too late. She was walking quietly so as not to disturb the class, and as she walked behind me to sit down, she rested a hand on Jim's shoulder to say hello. 

The reaction was instant, he spun in his chair and grabbed her by the arm. The room went silent except for the clattering of the chair onto the ground. His fist was cocked, and in a split second I thought he was going to hit her. 

"Galia?" He said, after a moment.

"That hurts Jim!"

He flinched back, letting go of her arm. "Sorry! You startled me. I've just been tired. Are you okay?"

Everyone continued to stare at him, and I could see his eyes begin to dart around the room as the tension dragged on. 

"Cadet McCoy, can you please escort Cadet Kirk to medical. If he isn't getting enough sleep, then they can do some tests."

Jim sighed in relief as Pike broke the tension, and he continued speaking about the difficult decision (no Cadet Wilson, I will not tell you the name of the commander who proposed it) to accept the data dump. 

Jim all but ran out of the room, and I paused long enough to check in with Galia, she was fine, before following him. 

"Hold up Jim."

For a second, I thought he wouldn’t. But then he stopped at the entrance to the building and fell into step next to me. 

"What happened back there?"

Jim shook his head, "Like I said, just tired."

Bullshit. "Jim, I know you’re lying to me-"

Jim stopped and rounded on me, "What do you want me to say Bones? That I'm an idiot who can't keep up? That this is stressful as fuck? I don't need you or Pike mother-henning me, I just need some damned sleep and everyone getting off my back!"

I recovered quickly from his outburst, switching into psych-degree doctor-mode. 

"Thank you for telling me about what's troubling you Jim - "

His anger twisted into hurt, "Don’t psychoanalyse me Bones."

I sighed, "I won't push you to talk Jim. But when you’re ready to accept help, I'll be here for you."

He nodded swiftly and headed towards the dorms. I knew better than to try and push him. 

Later that day, I spoke to Uhura.

"Is he alright?" She asked, concerned.

"Honestly, I'm not sure. Whatever's happenin', he's not takin' it well. But he's refusing help."

"If anyone can get through to him, it's you Doctor."

I rolled my eyes, "No pressure. Has he been like this in xenolinguistics as well? Jumpy and moody?"

"Yes. He sits in the corner and flinches whenever someone gets near him. I'm worried Doctor."

"I'll see what I can do."

I needed more information. I had noticed all of the issues happening, but only in the context of the two classes we shared and in the dorm. I may have a bachelor’s degree in psych, but I knew I'd get a better insight if I talked to other people who knew Jim. Unfortunately, I didn’t get any more information. 

I had gotten Chekov and Sulu's comm numbers after the night Jim had linked Joanna's call to the hospital, but when we met up at lunch, they had no new insights. 

"Hello Doktor!"

"Hey Doc."

"Sulu, Chekov. Good to see you. I'm going to cut to the chase. How has Jim been doing?"

Chekov's face fell into the sad pout that only children can pull off, "Not good. He seems vewy worried."

"He's been very jumpy, but very focused," Sulu added, "He's been working hard. If it didn't look like he were about to fall apart from the stress, his work ethic would be admirable."

I spoke to Galia, who seemed more concerned over Jim’s wellbeing than the injury he could have caused her, and even Cupcake, but neither of them had any other information. Dammit. 

  
2256.10.29

I was sitting in Vulcan A&P on Wednesday afternoon when I got a call on my PADD. It was muted, as I was in class, but when I saw the name I answered. 

"McCoy."

Despite her worry, Uhura's voice came through the PADD with a steady tone. "Leonard! Something happened in Xenolinguistics and Jim's missing. He had some sort of panic attack and ran."

"I'll see what I can do."

I hung up, and the Vulcan anatomy teacher raised her eyebrow at me, "Somewhere you need to be Cadet?"

For a fraction of a second, I considered how best to get out of the class. She wasn’t going to accept 'I think my best friend is having a breakdown and is god-knows where on campus'.

Actually, we were all doctors here, or soon to be doctors. They would understand.

"One of my patients is having a breakdown, and I'm the only one he responds to. May I be excused, Commander?" It wasn’t technically a lie. 

She looked at me for a moment, trying to figure out if I was messing with her. In the end, my top scores in the class and history of being dragged into Starfleet Medical during class outweighed her suspicions, and she dismissed me. 

I grabbed my stuff quickly and rushed out of the building. 

It was then that I realised I had no idea where I was going. Where would Jim go?

Dammit. I closed my eyes and thought. Anxiety, violent reactions, food issues - food!

My eyes flew open and I ran to the dorm. That’s where he hid his food, that was his safe space. Maybe that’s where he would hide. It was worth a shot, and I didn’t have any other ideas at the moment. I could call Academy Security to locate him via his PADD, but I got the feeling he didn’t want that kind of trouble. 

I palmed open the room and looked around. 

"Jim?" I called out, hopeful. Now that I was here, the idea that Jim had just come back to the dorm seemed silly. Where the hell else would he be? Where would I even start?

"Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a search and rescue team!"

I sighed, throwing myself onto Jim's bed and pulling out my PADD to call Uhura. 

"Did you find him? Otherwise we're going to have to get Pike involved."

"No. I'm at our dorm, and he's not here Uhura. I don't wanna go speak to Pike. Jim'll just get in trouble."

"If he doesn’t turn up at class tomorrow, he'll get in trouble anyway! Pike definitely will not buy my excuse in Fed History for you both not being there."

Dammit. She was right, I'd have to get Pike and Security involved at some point. 

There was sudden movement under my bed, and a messy-haired and wild-eyed Jim Kirk rolled out from under it. 

My fight/flight/freeze response was one step ahead of my recognition, and I felt my heart kick ahead a few beats, causing me to jump, "Jesus kid! Don't scare me like that!"

Uhura's voice came from the PADD, "I'll assume you found him, Doctor. Please pass along my best wishes."

There was a click as the PADD disconnected. Jim sat up, leaning against my bed. 

Getting a better look at Jim, he seemed as if he'd been crying under the bed. He was trembling minutely, and was staring at his feet, seemingly unwilling to meet my eyes. 

I slid down from where I had been sitting on Jim's bed so that we were sitting across from each other. 

"You alright Jim?"

For a moment, he looked like he was going to brush this all off, as he had every other time. Then, he seemed to think better of it, "Not really."

I concealed the surprise that I felt. I hadn’t expected him to admit that he was having trouble. It was one thing to wield it like a knife, as he had after I confronted him for almost punching Galia, but this was more intimate, and a harder environment for him to admit weakness. 

"I thought so. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"That’s fair."

Mindful of how jumpy he looked, I stood up slowly. Alcohol may be a depressant, but a bit of relaxation seemed to be something Jim sorely needed. 

I rifled through the bottom of my desk and pulled out a third full bottle of bourbon. I sat back down, cracked the lid, and took a sip before passing it over. 

Jim took the bottle and took his own sip. 

We sat there, facing each other in silence and passing the bottle back and forth for a while. 

"I uhh, had something bad happen when I was younger."

The timing of the statement was unexpected, but the admission wasn't. People didn’t usually get as messed up as Jim without some sort of trauma. I didn't want to interrupt him, and howevermuch he had mocked my 'psychoanalysis', it was the psychology degree that helped me nod encouragingly without saying anything. 

"My neighbours, my aunt and uncle, my-my teacher, ... My brother. They all died."

Oh shit. Shit. That was, wow. And I thought I had family issues. At least I got to know my daddy and grow up with him. Jim had lost that as he was born, and apparently, he'd lost most of the rest of his family as well. 

He didn’t mention his mother, and I wasn't stupid enough to ask. 

He took a gulp of the bourbon and continued.

"Sammy, Radak, Aunty and Uncle, they all thought I could do amazing things, said that I was so clever. But I wasn’t clever enough to save any of them. And now I can’t even get through these stupid classes. If I were so clever, I'd be fine."

Aw dammit kid. He began to curl in on himself as he spoke, and I knew it was time to step in. I debated internally for a split second about whether to give Jim some physical contact. Given the loss he was reminiscing about, human connection might be good. Then again, given his jumping and anxiety, it might end badly. 

I decided to make my movements obvious and clear, allowing time for Jim to move out of the way if he wanted. 

He didn’t, and my hand ended up on his leg. 

I thought carefully about what I was going to say. 

"Jim, you are clever. You don’t need to be perfect, no one is. All you can do is your best. That’s what they would have wanted for you, is for you to do your best."

Jim locked eyes with me for the first time since he'd crawled out from under the bed, and I tried to put all of my conviction into what I was saying. It wasn’t a lie. I'd seen some of his homework, he was damn clever. And I may not know his family specifically, but I couldn't imagine they had wanted anything but the best for Jim. 

He seemed satisfied with my statement and curled in on himself. 

Happy with his accepting of my words and touch, I decide to push it a bit. Once again telegraphing my every move, I repositioned so that I was next to Jim instead of across from him. I gently grabbed him into a side hug and pulled him up against my chest. 

The warmth of his body spread into mine, and I ignored the way it seemed to concentrate in my arm. Not the time. 

At least he accepted the hug with no negative reaction. Well, until the tears began to flow, and he buried his face in my shoulder. 

I warred between happiness that he was letting it all out, and the growing warmth that flooded my shoulder until it seemed encased in a pleasant fire.  
We sat there for a long time, until Jim's sobbing started to die down. 

"I think you should talk to Pike. Tell him that you're under a bit of stress." I spoke as casually as I could, trying to say it like a passing statement. 

He grunted an unconvincing no into my shoulder.

"He won’t judge you Jim. He's a good man."

There was a pause for a long moment before Jim spoke in a quiet voice, "Will you come with me?"

I felt the warmth burst in my chest and shoulder, and squeezed Jim tighter into my chest, "Of course kid."

I couldn't protect him from the memories of whatever horror's he'd faced, and I couldn't protect him from the difficulties he was challenged to now. 

But I could help. 

He passed out not much later, and I carefully took of his boots and outer uniform before tucking him into bed. I moved to the opposite end of our tiny room to make my call, unwilling to leave Jim alone. 

"Captain Pike's office, Commander Una speaking. How can I help?"

"Uh. I'm hoping to talk with Captain Pike?" It hadn’t occurred to me that Pike would have a secretary*. Although, of course he would. He was the commandant of Cadets, he wouldn't be able to answer the comm all the time. 

"Captain Pike is busy right now, what is your name and issue, and I'll see when he can get back to you."

"Cadet third-class Doctor Leonard McCoy," I earned that MD, I'd be damned if I left it off, "discussing uhhh. Discussing Cadet Kirk." I decided not to be coy. I needed Pike to take me seriously and get back to me quickly. 

Commander Una - and what kind of name was that? - paused for a moment, and I heard muffled movement on the line. After a few seconds, she spoke again, "Putting you through to Captain Pike now, Doctor."

The comm clicked, and Pike's voice came through the PADD, "What's happened to Jim, Doctor?"

I tried to figure out how to put everything into an explanation that could be delivered over comm, "Well. He's been havin' problems with class. And with somethin' that happened when he was a kid. And it's all just stressin' him out. But he doesn't want to drop out! He just needs - " I realised I was rambling and took a breath. Apparently, I'd drunk more of that bourbon than I'd thought. 

"Let me start again, sir. Cadet Kirk requires equitable academic adjustments and wishes to have a meeting with you as soon as possible to discuss those adjustments." 

"Did he tell you what happened to him as a child?"

That was not the reply I was expecting, "No sir. He just told me that much of his family and friends died."

Pike sighed, "That's more open than I thought he would be about what happened. It was -" he paused for a moment, seemingly lost for words, "It was awful. I don't think he knows that I know what happened. I am still astounded that he survived, let alone that he's a functional person."

What the hell. What had happened? I considered for a moment about pressing Pike. I glanced over to where Jim was sleeping somewhat-peacefully, lulled by the gentle caress of Southern liquor. 

"I'd rather let him tell me, sir."

"You're a good friend, Doctor. Bring him in tomorrow morning at 0700 and we'll have a talk before class."

"Yes sir."

I hung up and looked back over at Jim. Hopefully, this would help him. 

The next morning, I had to struggle to wake him up. Maybe it was the lingering alcohol, or maybe it was the emotional toil of talking to me last night, but he seemed stuck in unconsciousness. 

"Come on Jim. Breakfast and then we've got a meeting with Pike." I poked him in the shoulder to try and annoy him into wakefulness. 

It worked, and he stumbled out of bed and to the mess hall. We grabbed meals to go, and I made sure to get an extra apple that I passed over as we walked through Cochrane Hall. 

The mystery ‘Una' wasn’t at the secretary desk outside Pike's office, so we walked straight in.

"Morning Cadets. How are you doing Jim?"

He shrugged, "Fine."

Jim and I sat in front of Pike's desk. 

"Don't lie to me son. Do you want to tell me why you didn't come to class yesterday afternoon?" His words were accusatory, but his tone was kind. 

I looked at Jim, and tried to convey 'tell him, idiot' with my eyes. 

He grunted, "I've been having some trouble keeping up with my work."

Pike nodded, "I'm not surprised. You're taking a full load with a good mix of advanced classes."

"Yeah, well I keep falling behind, and I'm worried that I'll fail them and have to do five years and then I'll have failed my brother and my family and -" 

Jim began to speak faster and faster, gasping in shallow breaths between words. His face was going pale and I reached out to his shoulder to ground him. He seemed to calm down, taking in a deep and steady breath. 

"It's just been a bit overwhelming."

Pike typed something up on his console, "I am not allowed to show students the notes from their teachers. It's supposed to be private." He turned the monitor around and showed Jim ten sets of comments dated from the mid-sem, "But there's nothing stopping me from examining the comments while I speak with a Cadet."

I glanced at the comments, they all seemed positive, but Jim's response was what I really wanted to see. 

His expression changed from one of worry to one of disbelief, before settling on a humble smile. 

He looked back at Pike incredulously after reading the comments. "Is this real?"

He nodded, "I understand that anxiety isn’t rational, and that you've had a lot of pressures in your life that have made you question yourself, but you are doing well. If you are happy with it, I will have a chat to a few of your teachers about getting extensions for your assignments and exams."

"I don’t want any - " Dammit Jim! I slapped a hand onto his mouth, cutting him off. He wasn't going to reject help after he'd gotten so close to asking for it. 

"Thank you, Captain Pike. Jim would love to have some assistance, because he is an intelligent idiot who has yet to learn the power of accepting help."

I felt a wetness at my hand and ignored the warm shudder that travelled down my arm. 

"Of course Doctor McCoy. And I am sure that you will accept help when you require it for your piloting class."

The warmth was suddenly doused in icy cold, visions of explosions flickered across my mind. I scowled at Pike but nodded. If that’s what I needed to do to get Jim some help, then that's what I would do. 

"Well Cadets, it’s been good to talk with you, but I believed you both have class soon."

I removed my hand, wiping the saliva on Jim's shoulder as we stood up. No way I was messing up _my_ uniform.

"Thank you Chris." Jim said, before stepping outside. 

I looked at Pike over my shoulder as we stepped out, and he gave me a kind smile. 

When I turned around, Jim punched me in the shoulder gently. "Thanks Bones."

The warmth flooded back in, and I grinned at him. "Don't mention it kid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Number One is not Pike's secretary. But she does help him at the academy. One day, Bones will mention something about her being his secretary, and Pike will laugh and laugh and laugh, and then warn him not to say that where Number One could hear.


	15. A Case of Andorian Shingles (Epilogue Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This may be an epilogue, but shit is still going down. Jim reflects on his final exams, and discovers A THING!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you know there is a Vulcan word for eytymology, but not context or adaptation?  
Also, that Microsoft Word's read aloud feature reads 'Spock' as 'Spark'? :P

I was thankful that Chekov and Sulu had been on the same page as me earlier in the semester: Get the project done early. 

Even with my mild-breakdown after talking to Commander Tucker, we had managed to finish our model and analysis weeks before it was due. He never mentioned it, and I was eternally thankful. Despite the rocky start back in the first class, I had quickly realised that he was a good man. 

There was no exam, but I didn’t use the class as a free period to study. However much I didn’t need to pay attention for any external reasons, the content was actually really interesting, and would be important to know when I got onto a Starship. 

Also, there was no way to tune out the Floridan drawl. 

I was also incredibly grateful to Sulu and Chekov for giving me their notes from last year. I tried to compensate them, but they refused. Chekov insisted that 'Russia invented helping friends', while Sulu just clapped me on the back with a grin. 

The Transporter Theory exam seemed to be specifically tailored to the tangential discussions that Commander Scott and I seemed to get onto in most of the classes. If a Starship was travelling at Warp 4.2, and they need to beam a beagle (it was always beagles for some reason) onto a ship travelling towards them at Warp 3.2 at a bearing of 082, mark 12, calculate the measure of accuracy required to beam, and the optimal time to transport. 

That part of the exam was all theoretical of course, no one had ever actually beamed aboard a ship at warp. But it was a fun exam to sit through. There were more routine questions, but they were easy, especially after studying Sulu's notes. 

In the time leading up to exams, I tried to ignore the growing number of Christmas Trees and stupid carols around campus. Theoretically, the Federation was one hundred percent secular and observed no Christian (or other religion's) holidays. In practice, 'Midwinter' had never caught on as a name replacement in the USA, and Christmas was still everywhere.

I remembered the fun of Christmases on Tarsus. One year, Sam and I had gotten matching collapsible bikes. We had ridden them everywhere for months, even if it was just next door for the street parties we used to have. 

Since then, I hadn't enjoyed Christmas. It was just a reminder of the family and friends I had lost. 

Quantum Chemistry was not as easy as Transporter Theory. I spent most of the time leading up to exam week pushing through the class readings, Sulu's notes, and the practice tests. It was hard to just focus on studying and avoiding the pitfalls of 'oh my god, I suck and am going to fail', which would turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

There were more questions on the exam that I guessed than I would have liked, but overall, I was confident that I hadn’t failed. Enough of them were related to disciplines that I was more confident in that I was probably going to skate through on partial marks. The question about Quantum Chemical impacts on anti-matter injection I answered entirely from the perspective of Warp Theory, definitely leaving out a chunk of the information. The concessions that Chris had organised were amazing though. With twenty percent extra time, and an individual room to do the exam, I was able to quietly panic without the pressure of other Cadet's around me and had enough time to breathe through my panic and still get through the exam. Bones was a good friend, I was glad he had convinced me to speak to Chris and ask for help, even if we were treating the symptoms and not the cause of my anxiety. But that was a later (never) problem. 

When I returned to the dorm and found a Vulcan Pomegranate, a muesli bar, and a note that said "Get some damn sleep", I grinned. Bones had been leaving presents of food and motivational notes (well, Bones-style motivational) in the dorm for the last few weeks. He was a good friend. I'd have to find some way to pay him back.

I decided to follow the Doctor's orders, tomorrow I had the Xenolinguistics oral exam in the morning and written in the afternoon, and I'd need to be well rested to get through it. I was cautiously optimistic. Seventeen weeks of Starfleet academy had built on Radak's teachings well, and I had been doing well in class. 

As I got changed for bed, I scratched at my arm. I should really talk to Bones about what he had changed that could be causing an allergic reaction. It only itched when he was around, or sometimes in the dorm. Although it was weird that the reaction was localised to my left arm, I had experienced weirder reactions before. 

It wasn't just Christmas décor that I had to put out of my mind. Signs went up all over campus about the annual assembly and vigil that would be held on the fourth of January. 'Twenty-four years on, we still remember' they proclaimed. Of course, Starfleet would commemorate the _Kelvin_ with pomp and ceremony. I wondered how exactly I would get out of it. I didn't need to be reminded of what had been lost on that ship, I saw it reflected in the mirror every morning, and I'd heard it in the choke of my mother when she'd seen me after Tarsus. Even starved and rake-thin, sixteen-year-old me had looked enough like George Kirk to cause her to start crying. 

To ensure that we were judged impartially on the oral presentation, it was delivered by a Commander I had never seen. 

I stepped into the room and was greeted by a young Vulcan man with the classic neat bowl cut and pointy ears. 

"I am Commander Spock. Please state your name for the recording."

IDIC and all that, but his voice was very monotone, and it was unnerving. 

"Cadet fourth-class James T Kirk." 

_"Danau wuh utvau za' Vuhlkansu tor-zhit rubah svi' wuh utvau t' t'kahr zhit-vesht-tal heh la' gen-lis rubah." _("Explain the methodology behind Vulcan verb conjugation in the context of historical etymology and present language adaption.")

Okay, we're jumping straight into the exam. Fine. I answered in Vulcan, thankful that we had started with one of my stronger languages. 

_"chay' Hol nen mup tlhIngan qorDu' 'ej chay' qorDu' nen Sov wIHutlh Holchaj?_("How does the Klingon culture impact their language growth, and how does their language affect their cultural growth?")

Klingon was a lot harder to answer in. Every language had its limitations in conveying meaning, but Klingon was definitely one of the harder ones. I ended up switching to terran a few times to clarify what I was saying - I would rather lose points for changing languages than by missing key points in my argument. 

I responded almost entirely in terran for the question in Orion, after having to ask Commander Spock to repeat the question three times. He did not seem put out by the repetition, merely asking if I wished to have the question asked in terran. I declined, knowing it would lose me marks. 

I got caught up in the Tellarite question, getting a bit too engaged in the argumentative nature of the language. Once again, if Spock was bothered then he didn’t show it. The perfect Vulcan. It was hard to read anything off him, and I was glad that he was the only Vulcan at the academy. 

I finished the exam confident that I had at least passed, even with my numerous mistakes. Throughout the semester, I had heard my fellow cadets' growing skills in xenolinguistics, and it was nothing too impressive. Honestly, it just made me glad for the existence of Universal Translators. If the success of a mission was relying on the linguistic skills of my fellow cadets alone, the Federation was doomed. 

The rest of my exams were just exhausting, not particularly hard or easy. Stellar Cartography was monotonous as always, Tactical Analysis and Federation History were dry but engaging.

On Saturday, I had my final exam: interspecies protocol. It was very different to the rest of exams so far. Instead of a written or oral presentation, it appeared we were at a morning tea. All the Cadets were given name tags identifying who we were, and we had to 'interact with everyone'. With that helpful mission briefing, thanks Chris, I walked around greeting various species. 

I saw the Vulcan who had conducted the xenolinguistics test - Spock? - and greeted him appropriately with a Vulcan salute. I tried to engage him in conversation about his role at Starfleet, we didn’t see many Vulcans, but he didn’t seem very interested. Uhura joined us after a few minutes of me putting my foot in my mouth and hit it off with the Vulcan straight away. Good for her. 

I left them to it and moved around the room. I wondered what Bones would do for his test as he had been called into SF medical that morning. I assumed they wouldn’t penalise him for having to help out at medical, but I had no idea how they were going to recreate this kind of environment without several dozen awkward cadets trying to talk to different species. I'm sure Pike had a plan. 

I noticed a Tellarite who was free, and excitedly made my way up to him. No one did arguments like Tellarites, and the opportunity to brush up on my debate skills was too good to pass up. 

When I finished, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I barely registered that Bones was in the dorm beyond a grunt to him, before I collapsed into my bed. 

Everything else - the itching, Christmas in a week, my birthday after that - it could allllll wait. 

  
I woke up on Sunday and just stared at the ceiling. I had no exams, no classes, no projects. Nothing. I looked over at Bones sleeping peacefully in his bed. Maybe we could go out for something to eat?

I felt an ache in my chest. It had initially annoyed me that he had gotten Chris involved with my stress, but I was ultimately glad he had done it. He was the best of friends. 

My arm chose that moment to remind me of its deadly itching. I rolled up my sleeve. There were tiny spots of discolouration from my mid-bicep down to my hand. If it were summer, they would have blended in with a smattering of freckles, but between continuous studying and the long sleeves of winter, I had none. 

I looked over at Bones again. He'd had to deal with exams, assignments, and the continued Andorian Shingles pop-ups on top of my shit. No need to worry him. 

I got dressed as quietly as I could and headed to Starfleet medical. 

Thankfully, most Cadets were still recovering from exams and hadn’t started getting themselves injured by licking telephone poles or putting candy canes up their asses, and I got into seeing a doctor - the one who had been so happy that I’d gotten Joanna onto Bones - pretty quickly. 

"Alright Cadet, what’s wrong."

"Well, for the last few weeks, my whole arm has been itchy, and it’s got funny dots on it."

At Doctor M'benga's nod, I rolled up my sleeve to show the arm.

"I searched up the symptoms on the Starfleet database, and it told me I had Andorian Shingles and was going to die."

M'benga laughed at that, "If you'd had symptoms of Andorian Shingles for weeks, you'd already be dead."

He scanned my arm, and drew a vial of blood that he ran through a device by the bed.

“No sign of an allergic reaction, your neutrophil and histamine levels are normal.” 

He examined my arm, and then poked it. I felt a wave of discomfort, a sense of _wrongness_, and I flinched back.

"Did it hurt?"

"No, it just felt... Wrong."

"Does it feel like that when you poke it?"

I poked it - nothing - and shook my head. 

M'benga sat back in his seat. "I know what this is Cadet."

Thank god. 

"Congratulations, you're in love."

I waited for a moment, for M'benga to laugh and tell me it was a joke. 

He didn't.

"What the fuck?"

"It's the beginnings of a soul-mark cadet. I suspected it, but with your reaction to me touching it, I confirmed it."

Nonono. This couldn't be happening. I thought of my mother and the mark that haunted her. I would not be handicapped by some stupid soul-mark as my parents had been. 

"Thank you doctor." I choked out.

"You don't seem very happy Cadet."

I shook my head, trying to keep my voice steady, "No, its fine."

M'benga let me go, a somewhat confused and concerned look on his face. 

I wandered aimlessly around campus for a while, trying to think. The cool winter air was comforting, and I relished in its bite as it came off the bay. 

After a few hours of wandering, when my fingers and nose had started to go numb from the cold, I headed back to the dorm, my mind made up. Whoever's mark this was, whyever I had it: it didn’t matter. I would just ignore it and it would go away. 

Everything would be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more real chapter to go, then an appendix chapter :)


	16. Denial (Epilogue Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not just a river in Africa. Bones reflects on his exams, and has a fun discussion with Boyce.

I continued to watch Jim as we got closer to the exams, and apart from a weird new tic where he kept scratching at his arm, he seemed to be doing better. He was smiling more, seemed to be sleeping regularly (although probably not enough), and seemed less flinch-y.

He also kept close to me whenever we were together. Meals, classes, walking around - he would press himself against me. I desperately swung between leaning into the warm touch and flinching back from the _perfectly normal sensation_. I eventually rationalised it: if he was seeking out connection, it was just cruel of me to deny it. 

I could ignore the warmth as he bumped shoulders with me whenever it happened. And denying the multiplying discolorations on my shoulder? That I could do as well. 

I spoke to Sulu and Chekov about what classes they had taken last year and asked them if they'd be willing to share their notes with Jim. Both men jumped at the opportunity, and I was glad that Jim had managed to make such good friends. Although it was unnerving to have the fifteen-year-old explain the complexities of transporter theory to me as I nodded vaguely, Jim hadn’t been lying. 

I wanted to keep Jim's privacy intact, so I didn’t actively search for what could have caused his PTSD-like symptoms. Given his food issues, I was willing to bet that he had been starved at some point. Together with the fact he positioned himself near exits, and hated to have people behind him, it was related to a violence, possibly sudden and possibly instigated by someone he trusted. 

I knew my psychology degree would come in handy.

Beyond that, I had no idea. What situation would he have been in where food was withheld from him and he experienced prolonged violence. The only large-scale instance of that kind of thing I could think of was Tarsus IV. There was no way that was it. For one thing, Starfleet wouldn’t have let something like that happen to George Kirk's son. For another, Jim would be way more messed up if he had watched half the colony be murdered, knowing that it was the flip of a coin that had allowed him to live. The suicide rate among the four thousand survivors was at almost four times that of the normal population. Jim had issues, but I couldn't imagine him having had survived that kind of horror and being as well put together as he was. 

Those thoughts had to be put to rest for a while though. I was confident with most of my exams and assignments, but I still needed to study. Andorian A&P remained as frustrating as ever, so I pushed myself to study it with every spare moment. That didn’t mean I didn’t have time to leave food and reminders for Jim to take a break lying around the dorm room. 

My first exam was Vulcan A&P, and it was the first time that it really hit home that Starfleet Academy was a league above any university. 

I stepped into one of the simulation rooms, where we had been able to view 3D holograms of different species and get a good understanding of how they worked. A woman in nurse scrubs greeted me (she was unlikely to be an actual nurse; her nails were too long and had dirt under them) and brought me over to the simulation table. 

For a moment, I was so convinced I was seeing a patient that I automatically started analysing them. Vulcan, male, mid-twenties, blunt force trauma to the chest, need to scan for damage to the superior thoracic aorta - 

I didn’t realise I was speaking to the nurse and reaching for the scanner until she handed it to me with a wry, "Your exam begins now, Cadet."

Damn, the sim was good. 

With green blood pooled everywhere (although it didn’t stain me or my clothing), it was easy to remember this was not a human. I had initially been worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep all the different species' A&P's separate beyond 'human' and 'not-human', but it all came together well. I treated the patient and managed to pick up on all the Vulcan-specific complications. 

I was happy I had studied hard for my Andorian A&P class, because that one was much more of a struggle. I was in the same sim room six hours later, with a different nurse. I paused for a moment, loading up a hypo to treat the Andorian who had contracted a mystery bacterial infection. I ran my mind through the Andorian immune system, trying to think about their reactions to various different types of pathogens. 

I reset the hypo and switched it out for another one. If I was remembering correctly, the first drug would have led to an uncontrolled immune cascade, possibly resulting in death, if the patient had ever contracted Rigellian measles. There were no patient charts so I couldn’t check their medical history, but the infection was reasonably common in Andorians who travelled off world. 

The patient lived, and I spoke to the 'nurse' after the sim darkened. 

"Would the other hypo have killed him?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know, I'm not a real nurse." She pointed across the hall to another door, "That’s where your examiners are, ask them if you want."

I walked over, knocked the door, and was greeted by my Andorian A&P teacher, a few other academy staff, and Boyce. 

"Cadet McCoy? Can we help you?" Dr Kaedn asked. 

"I hope so ma'am. I was wondering if you could give me feedback on the test. I was unsure if I made the right decision about which hypo, given the possibly of Rigellian measles. This is a test, but it's preparing me for the real world."

They each looked at each other for a moment, and I felt awkward standing there while they traded meaningful looks. 

Boyce spoke up first, "As a trauma surgeon, you should know there is no right answer. With every decision, you just have to work with the data you have and the information you know."

"If the bacterial infection had been more severe," Kaedn said, "They would have died with the second drug, the one you gave them. But if they'd ever contracted Rigellian measles, they would have certainly died from the first drug."

I thought for a moment, now that I didn’t have the pressure of someone dying in front of me. 

"If the infection had been severe enough to kill them even with the second drug, their odds were bad anyway."

Kaedn nodded, "That is true. Are you satisfied with our answers?"

I nodded and walked back to the dorm after they dismissed me. 

There was no way to have picked a right decision for the simulation Andorian, especially because there was no medical history. I swore to myself, that wherever I was posted, I would make sure everyone’s medical details were up to date and full. I didn’t want to face a decision where I didn’t have all the information out in the real world. 

Klingon A&P wasn't any harder than the Vulcan exam, and I confidently kept my patient alive. I knew there was still plenty to learn, but I was happy that I was keeping up with the wildly different anatomy and physiologies. I knew there were several people in my class who had dropped out earlier in the semester because they couldn’t deal with the range of different structures and functions. Most had been post-graduates with no medical degrees already, trying to learn alien bodies on top of human ones, but one had been an MD already. 

On the morning of my final exam, I got another call from Starfleet Medical. On the bright side, they had caught the _bioterrorist_ (what the actual hell, people were messed up) who had been spreading Andorian Shingles, so we could expect the cases to die off. Unfortunately, we still had one final breakout, and I needed to go in. 

The exam wasn't until eleven, so I went into medical, figuring that the three hours I could help out would be better than nothing. 

I had gotten a lot better at dealing with non-humans over the last few months of being at Starfleet medical. I was certainly not ready to be let loose without more senior doctors around, ready to provide advice, but I was familiar enough with the cultural protocols and drug reaction differences of most species to work semi-independently. 

Unfortunately, I got caught up in the swing of things, and next thing I knew it was midday. 

"Shit."

I finished checking the vitals on the Orion woman I was treating - she was doing well and would likely live - and moved quickly to the staff room. 

Surely the exam wasn’t over yet? Surely Pike would be forgiving, considering I'd been at medical?

I was so preoccupied, that I bumped into Boyce as I entered the staffroom. 

"Dammit, I've gotta get going. My exam started an hour ago - "

Boyce shook his head, "No point McCoy. They won’t let stragglers in. But you'll be fine. I've been watching how you’ve dealt with the different species today, and over the last few weeks. Chris won’t have a problem passing you."

"But - how do you know I’ve filled the requirements for the class?"

Boyce seemed indecisive for a moment, and then seemed to come to a decision. He pulled up the cuff of his pants and revealed a soul mark curving around his calf - a stallion with a coat of black streaked with grey. It looked odd on a horse. It wasn't piebaldism, it looked more like someone’s hair. Deep black hair with streaks of grey. It looked like Pike's hair. Wait. 

"Is that ... Pike's soul mark?"

Boyce nodded, "We're soul mates. And we share our thoughts. Mostly, it’s a quiet buzz at the back of my mind, but when I told Chris that you weren't going to make it to your exam, he had a look through my eyes as to how you were doing interacting with the patients. He is satisfied that you've fulfilled the requirements of the class, although you are a bit abrasive."

The second part of Boyce's explanation went completely over my head as I tried to process the first part, "You have a telepathic link? I thought they were just a myth! Empathetic links are common enough, but if he can see through your eyes..."

Boyce smiled wryly, "I'm not sure if telepathic links are actually rare, or whether people who experience them are terrified about being carted away into some secret research lab. That’s what Chris and I were worried about when we first joined all those years ago, so we never really told people. Even now, when no one would think of experimenting on the Commandant of Cadets and the Chief of Medicine for Starfleet Medical, we still try and keep it quiet. I'd appreciate if you'd do the same."

I'd like to think that we wouldn’t, but humanity had a pretty fucked up history with human experimentation. 

"I'll keep it quiet."

Boyce smiled, "Thank you. Anyway, you look dead on your feet after the week you’ve had studying and the work you've done this morning. I'll let you go. The time off requests for over the Christmas/New Year’s break should be going out soon. Give me a comm if you don’t get it by tomorrow."

"I will. Thank you Boyce."

I headed back to the dorm, thinking about what Boyce had said. Pike's comments about my Basic Piloting made more sense, and the way Boyce seemed to know way more about what was happening around the academy than he would get from just being in medical were less weird too. 

When I got back to the dorm, I put in the request for a week over Christmas. I still couldn’t get into contact with Jocelyn, but I had sent a Christmas present for Joanna and was hoping that it would prompt her to call me, and I could organise a visit with JoJo and spend the rest of the week with my mama at the farm. 

Jim burst into the room, and I jumped at the sudden intrusion. He grunted a slurred "Hey Bones", stepped onto the end of his bed, and faceplanted the mattress. 

I chuckled, not surprised that he was tired. He’d had an emotionally draining semester

I submitted the request and considered sleeping myself. It was too early though, and it would mess up my circadian rhythm. I spent a few hours reading through some medical journals, I needed to catch up on years of xenomedicine before I graduated. Finally, I turned in.

The last thing I saw before I fell asleep was Jim's face buried in his pillow as he snored softly. Despite all the horrible things that had led to me being enrolled in Starfleet, I was happy at least that I had met Jim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAND that the end of the fic. Chapter 17 is just an info dump including their timetables, some stuff about soul marks, and the timing of the chapters. 
> 
> The next fic is a Christmas fic that will be posted in late January because I will be camping between boxing day and Australia day, so wont have time or signal to write or upload. I was going to try and get it mostly written before I left, but that's just not happened. I may end up writing and posting earlier. Australia is on fire enough that there might not be anything else to do but write... 
> 
> Subscribe to the series if you want to be notified when I post it.
> 
> I have an outline for five fics in this series to finish off their academy years, so we'll see how we go. 
> 
> (also, no spoilers, but the next fic has already gotten _very explicit_, so sorry about that...)
> 
> Thank you again to all of the people who have commented and kudos'd. This is by far the longest thing i have ever written, and it's been a struggle. Several times, I considered quitting and never looking at this fic ever again. But every morning when I'd get up and have an email from AO3 telling me that someone had commented or kudos'd, it gave me a big smile, and pushed me to keep writing. So thank you all for that :)
> 
> -Hawke


	17. Appendix (No spoilers, can be read at any time)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dates of chapters, Jim and Bones' timetables, and a quick summary of soul marks and all that, because I dont know if i explained it well in the story. 
> 
> Does not contain spoilers, although it does remove the 'organic learning' of my flavour of soul-marks.

Chapter Dates

Blinding and Haunted are pre-2256.08.01

Co-Habitation and Orientation: 2256.08.01

Goad and Wicked: 2256.08.02

Fifteen and Plaintiff: 2256.08.04

Lightning: 2256.08.05 - 2256.08.09

Phobia: 2256.08.05 - 2256.08.12

Bitch and Though My Soul May Set in Darkness It Will Rise in Perfect Light: 2256.09.02 - 2256.09.14

Friends? and Friends.: 2256.09.20 - 2256.10.30

A case of Andorian Shingles: 2256.12.08 - 2256.12.14

Denial: 2256.12.08 - 2256.12.13

Timetable

| Monday (Jim) | Monday (Bones) | Tuesday (Jim) | Tuesday (Bones) | Wednesday (Jim) | Wednesday (Bones) | Thursday (Jim) | Thursday (Bones) | Friday (Jim) | Friday (Bones)  
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---  
0730-1000 | Basic Hand to Hand | Basic Piloting | Quantam Chemistry | Clinic | Tactical Analysis | Spare | Advanced Warp Theory | Andorian Anatomy and Physiology | Basic Piloting | Klingon Anatomy and Physiology   
1000-1230 | Advanced Warp Theory | Andorian Anatomy and Physiology | Transporter Theory | Clinc | Interspecies Protocol | Interspecies Protocol | Basic Hand To Hand | Basic Piloting | Stellar Cartography | Spare  
1230-1330 | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch | Lunch  
1330-1500 | Federation History | Federation History | Stellar Cartography | Spare | Xenolinguistics | Vulcan Anatomy and Physiology | Interspecies Protocol | Interspecies Protocol | Transporter Theory | Clinic  
1500-1730 | Xenolinguistics | Vulcan Anatomy and Physiology | Basic Piloting | Klingon Anatomy and Physiology | Federation History | Federation History | Tactical Analysis | Spare | Quantam Chemistry | Clinic  
  
Soul Marks

I didn't actually have a solid idea in my head about how the soul marks worked until after the fic was 90% done, so it does run a bit vague in the earlier chapters. Basically: 

Every sentient being in the universe will grow a soul mark when they fall in 'love'. Different species have different cultural definitions of 'love', as do different people, and so that affects the growth of the mark. The answer to 'does an asexual person have a soul mark for the person they love romantically' is 'yes, as long as they believe it is love'. Generally speaking, humans don’t develop purely platonic soul marks, but that’s because human society puts stupid requirements on sex being the one true bonding/loving experience and sexual love being more important than platonic love. (see avengers: endgame)

Basically, the soul marks grow as your love for the other person grows. It is a representation of your connection to the other person, or of the soul of the other person. For e.g., Winona has a lightning bolt for George Kirk because he was a bright and kind man who made everyone feel 'electrified' by his presence (or, he's Thor), and spoiler alert you'll know what else if you've read the fic. Whereas, and this hasn’t come up in the fic (yet), someone can have different soul marks to different people. When Jim's mark for Bones is revealed (I don’t think I need to spoiler mark that, we all know why we're here), it will be different to the soul mark that Jocelyn has for Bones.

Soul marks also have a 'unique to the person growing them' sensation, which is intensified when the person is nearby or touching, and feels horrible when other people touch them. The marks grow as the love grows, until the person is 100% in love and the mark stops aching/itching/whatever. 

Theorectically, soul marks fade as the owner falls out of love. In practice, that rarely happens in humans because we have a hard time letting go of our love.

Anyway, that’s how I ran it through my head, and that’s what I’m going with. Don’t check it too closely, it’s not exactly plot hole proof, but that’s what happens when you don’t plan the system and then also post things online so you can’t change them...


End file.
